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I've neglected you, my dear blog. I'd apologize, but it wasn't my fault. School has been particularly nasty and vicious. I'm trying to label my classes as classes from Harry Potter, according to how much I like it. It makes my day more bearable when I tell myself I'm going to Potions (instead of Physics).

I have a 5 page essay to write. So.... I'll stop procrasinating.



Ask me anonymous questions.

Promised drawings. :] I HAVE been doing one-a-day, but I haven't had the chance to scan since my computer is promiscuous and has viruses. :\

First one is colored pencils. I final got my 72 set of Prismacolors yesterday. In love with them... :]

I'm planning to produce one sketch a day this month. Well, two tomorrow, as I haven't got time to work on any today.

Please hold me to it?

In other news, road test Tuesday. Excited, nervvy, and not so confident. Pep talk from loveacrosstheocean helped, though. :D

Blah day, clearly. So much homework left.... mehhhh.

So, I've officially highjacked my sister's laptop, since mine, apparently, hates me. I don't want to tell my dad m computer's acting really odd, since I'm scared I'll lose even more files (last time he "fixed" my computer I lost a lot of photos and drawings). I'll just continue to debate this until my computer is inoperable.


In other news, Portfolio Day was today! It was fun. As fun as anything that you have to wake up at 8:00 am on a Saturday for. It was at teh University of Michigan, and I'm quite possibly in love with that campus. And the rooms in the Art and Architecture building are so... awesome.


My dad got there early, and had to stand for 30 minutes. They would only let us see representatives at 11:00 on the dot. I was just excited because all of the colleges I wanted to review my portfolio were in one room. Unfortunately, when I got there people were bustling around, saying the were relocated to different, separate rooms. So I was trying to figure out what rooms they were, while my dad refused to help me because I had to "figure out how to do thing on my own" and "be independent." Oh, well. I made him hold my purse, so I had my revenge.


I went to Kendall first. Even though it's in Grand Rapids and there's no way I could commute. I jut wanted to get feedback. And the representative I talked to was amazing. Her name was Gypsy (quite possibly the most amazing name ever). Her main feedback was that I needed more observational drawings, which I've been aware of for a realy long time.


Then the Univerity of Michigan. That was fun. It was really... refreshing? The person I was talking to was so energetic and just awesome. He even wrote some things I'd possibly be interested in at the DIA and suggested I go to the university gallery. I was too exhausted to go to the university gallery, but there's time. :]


Then I got to eat fast food for the first time since... I don't even remember. Probably the last time my cousin was here (see, loveacrosstheocean, I need you here to chauffeur me to fast food joints and creepy dirt roads with traffic lights that NEVER change). I don't think I've ever been so happy with life.


It was such a nice day. I was so nervous and worried that I'd be told I was crap or that I was nowhere near the level I should be at my age. It's hard being in an AP art class and seeing everyone around you being amazing without starting to doubt your own abilities. I just have to work a hell of a lot harder, instead of relying on my natural talents to get me by.


I'm debating whether I should try to get a guitar or a laptop for Christmas. It'd be amazing if I could have both... but my litte fantasy world has not yet become that tangible. I really want a Mac, if for no other reason then that they're less suceptible to viruses. Unfortunately, they are muy expensive. Does anyone have suggestions? Guitar or Mac?


I'm off to see if I can sneak the other laptop away so I can make a lame/dry video for the lovely loveacrosstheocean.

Omnomnoming on provolone cheese and hunter's sausages (that, seriously, is not supposed to be laden with innuendo- [in who's endo?])

Blah. My apathetic week is turning out nicely. My Physics test went, in my opnion, rather well. Of course, he probably dumbed it down since nobod undertstands any of it. And that's not an exaggeration, either. Kind of sad, I suppose.

I'm planning a feast for Friday. I'm making a sort-of Fettucini Alfredo, with mushroom cream sauce (with some parsely and garlic, perhaps). Then I'm making a two-layer cake; One layer vanilla, the other chocolate. Soaked in rum with Nutella in between and covering the cake. Very excited for this undertaking. Going to take it easy on Friday so I have energy to do all of this, since it's the only day I have time.

And, of course, Saturday is HALLOWEEN! Or, as my lovely mother calls it, Satan's Day (And other blasphemous nicknames). She doesn't like it, thinks its horrible and bad taste, blah blah blah. The rest of my family has tried explaining it, even from the tradition aspect (she's all for tradition, so I thought it would work). She's not buying it.

I also have a portfolio review thing at the University of Michigan Saturday as well. Really excited to recieve feedback on my art, but on some level terrified. I'm feeling really inadequate (that's what she said) with my art, and I'm scared to get shot down by art colleges or to be told I'm crap. Blehhh. I have to get all of my projects gathered up and print out my digital work by Saturday morning.


And my friend is selling her car, and I might be able to get it kind of cheap (she really wants to be rid of it). So I'll have a car! Well, we'll have a car, seeing as to how I have to share with my sister. :[ Buuuut, my mom finally agreed to call my drivining instructor-person-thing, so I should be having my road test soon. I'm so excited. But the cool, aloof, nonchalant excitement. ;]

In other news, Christmas is in, like, two months. Very excited.

How's life for everyone else?

p.s. Can anyone think of any Fairytales that I can draw? I have to finish it by next Wednesday, but I'm completely lost for ideas.

I'm folded up in my chair, grudgingly listening to Party in the USA while wondering when someone will tell me where all this time goes. Because I seriously did not accomplish anything this weekend. And there was a lot to accomplish.

I'm sick of stressing over a plethora of things that end up feeling to unbelievably pointless and leaves me feeling... nothing. I don't even get that little voice in my head saying "Success!" I just feel so apathetic. I'm not even sure if I'd react if I was poked with a needle at this point.

<--- Skip over angsty teenage and hormone induced blah--/>

I know I tend to have an obsessive personality. But my obsessions rarely stand the test of time. Few last more than a month. If they last more than 2 months, they're keepers; like art or music. But this just makes me appreciate the past so much, and makes me far too easily susceptible to nostalgia and severe melancholy.

< Okay. Maybe there was some more teenage angsty blah stuff. I lied. />

< Barely disguised attempt to get comments and feedback />

I just need to learn to unwind and relax. The problem is... how?

< Conclusion??? />

Whatever. I'll go back to crawling under my warm covers and "studying" while all the time hoping something happens to cancel school tomorrow. Terribly wishful thinking, I know.

I need to catch up and comment on things.


But that can, and will, wait. In theory, I should be studying right now. Or sleeping. Neither are happening. Well, you know- theories aren't always true.


I wish I had something to say. I feel like all of my entries are repetitions of the same old thing. Which, I suppose make sense, since I go through the same numbing, exhausting routine day in and day out.

I just... want something out of the ordinary. Or at least be able to get out of the house more.
I went to the park yesterday with my sister and a friend. It was the most fun I'd had in a long time. We trudged through the mudd forest (my choice in shoes was terrible for this excursion). We came across some really old abondoned machinery. It was swallowed by the earth, rust, and graffiti. Really amazing. I'm planning on going there this weekend, armed with my camera, and taking as many pictures as I can.

The little excursion instilled a "I really want to paint/draw/create" feeling in me, but I remained without the slightest clue as to WHAT I should create.

I have managed to stay home from school! This is exciting in that I NEVER stay home from school unless I'm deathly sick. 

But it had to be done. There was no way I would have been able to finish all of my homework and my art projects that are due tomorrow. And I still woke up at 6:00 a.m. and got ready, then went to school. Only instead of staying at school, I coerced my mom into taking me home so I could do homework. In the name of homework, she agreed. Now I'm sitting on my floor, paint supplies all around me while I slave over my art project. And I really am slaving over it. For some reason, the paint isn't staying where I apply it. If I go over it while it's wet, the layers under it are removed. Which means I have to wait 30 minutes between layers. And I use a LOT of layers when I paint. 

By the way, the header image for the layout? Yes, it's me. And yes, it is an amazing expression. :]

I'm really tempted to crawl into my bed and nap, though. :c It is really distracting knowing I could be warm and rested if I just get up and take two steps before I droop into bed. Yes, "droop." Because it's the only way I can acurately describe the slow "melty" motion I get in bed when I'm exhausted. 


 Plato questioned reality: "what is really real?" I've found myself doing this countless times, especially this week when I get this sinking feeling that everything I'm doing feels so... fabricated. Has anyone else felt like this?

I'm going to make a silent plea to any higher powers to make it possible for me to get through this week well-rested. I'm dreading it already. Such a hectic week. Picture references for art due tomorrow, PSAT Wednesday, NAHS forms due either Wednesday or Thursday, and Brave New World, NHS forms, and THREE art projects due Friday.

But I honestly need sleep. Either that or some caffeine apparatus that continuously injects caffeine into my system. Have you ever been so utterly exhausted you went through a whole day with vertigo? I can't even tell you how many times I ran into walls today, or had to stop and rest in the middle of the hall or risk collapsing and curling into the fetal position to sleep.

I'm going to trudge through this week like that kid that had to shoot Old Yeller: dejected but determined.

I've been browsing for possible guitars online lately. Since I don't yet know if I'll stay with guitar, I'd like a rather cheap one. I've had my eyes on the Ibanez IJV50 Jam Pack Quick Start simply because it's within my price range, and I don't need to cough up more money to buy additional accessories. Plus the reviews seem mostly positive. But I am far from knowing much of anything about guitars. Anyone know of better options?


Sincerely,
Exhausted

Impetus

No real reason for the title. But it does sound all cool and intelligent, doesn't it?

Today started as what should have been a productive day. I'll copy my lovely loveacrosstheocean's format and bullet-point:

• Awoke before 12:00.
• Made myself a delicious omelet...
• Followed by Elder Flower, Rosehip, and green tea.
• I was going to go shopping and maaaybe look at guitars, but I have a lazy sister and personally lack a license.
  
• Ended up going to the mall with said sister and her friends. Felt like an awkward turtle as per usual. I think I'm incapable of having fun. :[
• Did not do any homework, art or otherwise.

Perhaps the only somewhat productive thing that I've done is fill out some job applications and start working on my NHS writing. Of course, I'm stuck on my applications because I don't know what to put for half of the things. And I'm not sure if I should attach a resume. Which then brings up the question of how to go about creating said resume.

Blah. At least I bought paint. Not I just have to actually start working on my projects. Three projects due by Friday. Will I make it? I wish someone would give me incentive, particularly in the form of money. ;]

My parents have agreed to me buying a guitar for myself for Christmas, but I'm not sure if I I can wait so long... :\ I'm just so excited. I

We were us, we were human,
Just a little disillusioned.

oct 10

I'll just dive headfirst (onto concrete) and say that I'm essentially failing Physics. I even started tearing up on Thursday because I couldn't understand the quiz. And, the joy is that I have quizzes in that class every single day. Quizzes that I have not gotten more than 2 points (out of 5) on. I'm just used to classes that I know and understand things after they are explained. The downside to physics is that my teacher doesn't really teach, and just assigns TIMED quizzes. It takes me a long time to wrap my head around a story problem. I cannot do a ten-step story problem that involves trigonometry (which I have not yet taken) in 5 minutes. And it's too late to drop the class, so my GPA will drop. :[

The most wonderful part of the day was that EVERYTHING was hilarious. Probably to due my lack of sleep, but nonetheless. Of course, getting home and discovering I had forgotten my keys inside when I left was a little adventure. I had my backpack, a large canvas, paints, brushes, and cellphone in my hand. It left for tricky maneuvering to get into my shed so I could take some shelter from the rain. But, I discovered I get pretty decent WiFi in there, so I was reading MLIA on my phone while waiting for my dad to get home. Of course, Denis was taking the garbage cans from the street and being all responsible while I was cackling like a madwoman in my shed. I'm debating "accidentally" forgetting my keys when it rains so I can repeat this. I'll put chairs in the shed, maybe a little table....

I'm so glad I learned tea has caffiene in it. Don't judge me. I just didn't think it would. Since I've found out, though, it's all I drink school all day. I'm shocked I'm so awake all day. Granted, I crash as soon as I get home, but I'm actually retaining specific information from my classes!

I just wish I had a firmer grasp on time management, because I've found myself stuck finish three art projects this weekend. Blah.

p.s. New layout for fall. Let me know if anything's difficult to read/annoying (not the content, though, darlings).

October 3 2009 [edit]

I'm trying to get myself to wake up, here. Might as well multitask and update at the same time, ne?

I really wish I had something interesting to write. Alas, I do not. All I have are failed plans and attempts that have been building up until I just want to crawl into my bed and sob uncontrollably. The main reason for this is because I'm almost one hundred percent sure I failed on my first Physics test. And, honestly, for the stupidest, most petty reason-- because I didn't write each problem-solving problem on a separate sheet of lined paper. First of all, he was saying these instructions to a person who will write/draw on a single sheet of paper, front an back, until there's no room left for anything else. Secondly, considering the fact that our school doesn't really have a lot of money, should we really be wasting paper? And, finally, WE'RE KILLING TREEEEES.

Lately I've been addicted to music. Even more so than usual. It's been really inspiring. Not the kind of inspiration that makes me draw, but the kind that makes me write. I've been filling up papers with tiny poems. I kind of wish I played/owned an instrument so I can set a beat/melody to them. Which brings me to my ridiculous wish that both parents laughed at; I want to own an acoustic guitar. More than I want a new graphics tablet, which says a lot. Meh, I don't know. I just really, really want to go back to playing an instrument. I loved playing the flute in 5th grade, and really hated having to quit. I still have my book- it's here next to me. I'm sad I don't remember how to read sheet music as quickly as I used to. :[ I'll look for a cheap guitar and just buy it for myself if my parents don't agree. I can afford one from walmart. :\

I'm listening to Wake Up by Mackintosh Braun. The irony? I'm getting so sleeepy. I'll see if I can go see Whip It, if not, sleep. c:

Blah. I dislike the former post for this day.

This is what the lack of social interaction does. Honestly, I doubt I've said more than 100 words today. I've had profound conversations in my head, but that doesn't feel quite the same. ;]

I still feel blah, though. That much hasn't changed. It's this odd, perpetual drowsiness coupled with drinking massive amounts of water/liquid and a strange craving for anything sweet. It's left me in this lethargic state of sadness, the soundtrack of which has been A little Bit Longer and Lovebug by the Jonas Brothers, and various angst songs from my angsty junior high years. I'll be going to sleep listening to Owl City, which should mellow me out for the morrow. Tomorrow brings the promise of Coney chili cheese fries and shopping for art supplies, albeit only if I wake up in time for church. :\

Win some, lose some. Just make sure you see the inspiration in it.

_“I'd miss you even if I never met you._”

Candid- Short and Sweet

Class color day today. Two more days until the hell that is the pep rally, but I digress. I decked myself out in blue, and temp. dyed my hair. I don't want to part with the color. I've talked to my mom, and we've agreed to undertake a ridiculous adventure in dying my hair.
Why is it ridiculous? Every single time I have tried to highlight my hair, it was disastrous. I either get leopard spots instead of normal stripe-y highlights or the color doesn't appear uniform all over.

But I've planned it out this time. My bangs are going to be a solid color, and that color is then going to be highlights throughout the rest of my hair. Chunky highlights. I just have to decide what color I want. I'm going to dye it blonde first, then layer the color over since my hair, if bleached, becomes orange. I was thinking of painting it a purple color, since brown is a complement of brown, which is the color of both my hair and eyes. I'll see. I don't want pink, or anything too vibrant. Might leave it blonde if I can't decide.

I'm just so excited for this. Getting my hair cut sometime this weekend. It really needs a trim. The layers have grown quite long, and my hair no longer has volume. I have limp, pathetic hair. It makes me miserable half of the time.

In other news...

Today's dinner is french fries and eggs. The only healthy part is the tomato salad, which still has olive oil. I need to diet. Jogging everyday starting tomorrow. Hopefully it'll clear up my complexion, too.

I feel this is going to be my last week of relaxation. After this, I'm going to be working nonstop for all of my classes (except World History, which is a freshman class and at a very nice, slow rate). It's like the calm before the storm, and this particular storm is creating a tidal wave just beyond the horizon that is ready to come into view and leave me petrified and very, very doomed.

I have an idea I'm really excited to start working on for art. I just need a reference picture. I need a girl with fairly long hair, hanging upside down. I'm thinking of finding a way to coax my cousins to the movies/playground this weekend. Unfortunately, knowing my sister, she won't want to drive anywhere. She'll insist we can, and should, walk to the movie theater/park. I don't get her fixation with only going to places within walking distance. I usually want to get away and take a break.

Last thing; reading Brave New World. Haven't finished chapter one and I'm loving it. It's complex/challenging enough that I'm not bored while reading it, but not so much so that I never want to crack it open.

first

First: I'll miss you. Twitter, blogger, facebook, and whatnot only create a vague illusion that we aren't going to be seperated by a freaking ocean. My eyes are burning and my throat is closing up just thinking about it. :'(


Lalalaaa. Back at school.

Started the day in an irritable/cranky mood. It didn't help that my first hour is a freshman class filled with- you guessed it- freshman. I'm a Junior. Contrary to what some may be quick to conclude, I'm not in that class because I failed it in the past. I'm in that class because I decided to take an Advanced Placement U.S. History class, which apparently didn't cover this one class. Even though I got a 4 out of 5 on the AP test, and ended both semesters with an A.

I feel like I'm being punished, and it doesn't help that my teacher probably thinks I'm one of THOSE. Y'know- a motivationless, hopeless teenager who contributes to poverty statistics in the future.

In better news, I love my art class. AP 2/D. We got a bunch of new stuff that we can use for observational drawings. Including a remarkable lifelike hand. So excited. It's going to drain me quickly, considering I have to do twice as much in the same amount of time as before. But hopefully I'll be able to build two awesome portfolios that will get me college credit. I'll even settle for an OKAY portfolio. :]

Butyeah. Lot of homework for a first day. I'm so tired, and my mind is in this terrible state in which I can barely access it's contents, like some sealed-off vault I've forgotten the combination to. I'm trying to finish so many things, and get organized for tomorrow. So many syllabi and class rules and other miscellaneous paper to keep track of and make sure I sign.
But, I get to carry them in my happy checkered backpack.

My insomnia is still happenin' and still hating me. Waking up at six a.m. is damn near impossible for me when I have less than six hours of sleep. What can I say, I neeeed my sleep. Or I turn into a mean little bitchy owl. ;)

and so... f.m.l.

I hate not having control over my own body. Why the hell won't these tears stop? Why does my mom insist on pitying me/talking about it?

Why the fuck are we programed to be ashamed of crying? And, yes, programmed. Because what else to you call it when it seems so... intentional and computer-like. And screw stereotypes, because I'm a girl and afraid to be seen crying.

I just wish I could bawl out loud right now. My exhaustion and headache are just fueling me. I just want to... collapse and sleep.

FML. Why can't people just be fucking patient?

p.s. writing a blog entry when pissed/exhausted/sobbing is full of fail. Sorry about my pissiness and bitchyness. Just needed to rant a bit. :(

i'd like to say beautiful things but i don't know how

It's been a while since I've written anything decent. I've opened up this "New Post" page so many times with the intent to write something, yet nothing coherent comes out. It's a jumble of the thoughts that have been dancing their intricate steps in my head for months. And to be honest, it's infuriating to watch them dance and not be able to cut in and stop their ridiculous twirling.

This journal entry may make no sense. But, the truth is, I think this entry is more for me than anyone else. Whenever I write something on this "blog" of mine, I always have the same thought, "What's the point? No one will read this." But I don't think the point of personal blogs is to have them read. I think the point is to try to reflect. To take all of those confusing thought and organize them- show them more graceful dance steps so they stop bumping into one another, or into you. It's... closure for the day. Perhaps it keeps us sane. Perhaps it drives us closer to insanity.

Oh, well. Moving on... There are several things that have been on my mind lately. I'll start with the positive, so I don't rant quite as much about the negative.

First, my wonderifical cousin. Who is so wonderifical and amazing and full of wisdomosity. And supporting-slash-feeding my owl obsession. I have so many owl perched around my desk, staring at me. c: The thing that irks me is that she's leaving, and I want to get her something but I'm at a complete and total loss as to what. Plus, I'm terrible at gift-shopping. Mainly because I've only done it once, and I have yet to see the person's reaction (since I bought the stuff last week for a party that's in another week). SO much failure, here. I'd offer one of my nerdy presents. Like, making a layout/design/theme, drawing a picture, or... I don't know. Giving her games for her phone or something. See? I'm lame. Sososososolaaaame.

I'm fairly certain that's the only "positive."

Ready for the negative? It's all stress/anxiety.

It's me- Okay. Interruption. I was going to write "freaking out" but I didn't like the cliche-ness. SO I took "freaking out" to a thesaurus. One of the results? Schizz out. Holy, frick that's the coolest saying eh-VAR.- So, it's me schizzing out.

First, about the rest of my life. I wish I was good at one thing. Phenomenally good, I mean. I have a feeling it would make my decision-making a bit easier. Because as it stands now, I'm doomed to not knowing what I should choose as a career. I've had people tell me that it's fine. I could even go to college without really knowing what I'm going to do. But, the thing is, I can't. I literally won't be able to afford switching my career path once I enter college. And I've been giving this serious thought. I could be a psychiatrist, freelance artist, graphic designer, web designer, or a web developer. There's probably other stuff, too. I can eliminate teacher off my potential list, since I'm terrible at explaining things if I understand them. But, there's still so much. Graphic/web design could take me far, if I'm any good. But my inferiority complex when it comes to my art keeps telling me I won't be good. I... don't know. I feel so powerless. Like there's this blanket that's supposed to be comforting and providing security, but is instead smothering me.

Second, homework. Not a big deal. I've freaked out about it before. I'll continue to do it. I've pulled off some ridiculously good homework assignments in short periods of time due to procrastination. I'll keep doing it.

But it's my art homework that's constantly nagging. I've been wracking my brain, trying to create concepts or ideas that would be good for my portfolio. But everything that comes out is a mere doodle, something I can't refine to make better, something that certainly is not cut out for a college-level portfolio. I'm wondering if nothing is coming to me because I'm thinking too hard. But that's the thing with me. Few things come easily to me. Some people can see something in their mind in vivid and crisp detail. Some get blurry images. I get nothing. When I close my eyes I see nothing, except the reddish glow when I face a light source. When I put my pencil to the paper, I have no idea what will come out. Perhaps that's why everything I produce is mediocre and looks the same. But I can't rewire my mind to do that. It's a bit too late for such conditioning. It's seriously making me depressed. What if I'm not cut out for an AP art class? What will I do once the actual class actually starts? It's all "what ifs" but they slam against the inside of my cranium, causing terrifying echoes.

And, of course, my insomnia. For example, I'm utterly exhausted right now. But there's no way I'll be sleeping for the next 2 to 3 hours. My mind will keep running, my heart will keep racing, and my eyes will refuse to shut. They'll continue to spring open, only to stare into the inky darkness of my room.

I have a busy day tomorrow. Driving errands then the rest of the day will be dull, frustrating homework. Hopefully a distraction will pop up so I don't spend too much time on homework.

I'm getting a terrible headache. Hopefully the dull thud of my blood in my ears will ease me to sleepysleep.

p.s. I'm addicted to ArchitectureBlog.

p.p.s. I think my next art project will be an awesome owl on canvas with acrylic. Just have to find reference photos. :DDD

Early morning monologue

So it's two a.m. I'm listening to my iPod (currently playing The Bad Touch by The Bloodhound Gang) while surfing the net on my lovely love known as my Blackberry. Sounds like an awesome way to spend a Friday night/Saturday morning, right? Except I forgot to mention something. I'm doing math homework. Yes. You read correctly. Math homework. During summer vacation.


The apocalypse is coming, guys. I can feel it via an emerging headache that is a direct result of trying to recall formulas and various math-y information that I haven't thought of for over 3 months.



And I have to wake up early tomorrow to spend the entire day doing homework.


I really need to get going on doing my art projects. I've been feeling really uninspired lately. Usually a nice drive would clear my mind and get those "creative juices" flowing, but I haven't had anywhere to go. Would love to go to the mall to get some gesture drawings of random people done. But, for whatever reason, anyone I would bring would want to actually shop. Which is a major downer to nerdy, artsy me. And I can't go alone, as I don't yet have my license. Soon, though. Hopefully.


P.s. Kind of random but... I really wish I could write in more... poetic way. With awesome metaphors/similies and really witty things. You'd think my mind would find it easy to write like that, but my writing tends to be kind of... blunt and not too fancy (except for synonyms. Thesaurus's are my friends). Meh.

Also, Handlebars by flobots.

NAPU!!!

I really surprise myself at times. Explain? Why, yes. Yes I shall.

Today was registration. I'll skip the details. Suffice it to say that waking up at 6:^oo am when I went to sleep at 3 most assuredly does NOT equal a very happy/concious person.

So, when I got home, the plan was to do some homework to keep myself awake. Said plan did not happen as... er, planned. I did my homework, and that's the last thing I remember. I woke up later, wrapped up in my bed, my books neatly piled on the floor. I do not remember gathering all of my stuff together (and I know nobody would do that for me).

This can mean many things. It can mean I care about not crinkling/tearing my homework. Hmm- not likely.
It can mean my subconcious doesn't want me getting stabbed by pencils/books. Possible.
Or it can mean that: I do not remember doing this and I am going insane from trying to do math homework in the summer. This is the most likely alternative. I mean, honestly?! Math homework in the summer? I'm not even taking an accelerated/advanced class. Grr.

In other news, I'm debating my new phone. I have a 30-day trial period. If I don't like my phone I can return it. I have nothing against the phone per se. It's a Blackberry Curve 8320 (red). Very sexy and everything. But I can't exactly afford a data plan/internet for it, so I don't know if it makes much sense to have a phone that's mainly for data. I do like its ability to create .txt documents right on it, and the organization tools are wonderful for someone who can't afford to procrastinate (so many art projects, half of which I have to do entirely on my own time). Dunno. I've always really wanted a BlackBerry, but... meh. The free games for it are fun (read: PACMAN!!! asdfghjkl!)

[EDIT] Tehehehheehee! So happy. I'm dancing in my chair. This might be mostly due to a natural high caused by lack of sleep, but I choose to attribute it to something else. I has internets on my phone. Because I'm sneaky and cheap. Spent the last hour ^{(maybe more)} looking for ways to essentially hijack my phone for it's internet. And it paid off. Hopefully it's free. I'll wait till tomorrow to see if there were charges or anything added. If not, this phone is mine for the rest of my life. ♥♥♥ *strokes lumpy cat* (Yeah, that sounds disgusting/perverted)[/EDIT]

Butyeah. Sketch suggestions/ideas/concepts you want to throw at me? I want to draw, but don't want to think (sneaky).

_{Sorry for spelling/grammar mistakes. Like I said: don't want to think.}

[EDIT2] Coney Island followed by PetSmart=wonderful day, despite the gloomy rain and pissyness on my behalf (registration pissed me off. Add that to the facts that its that time of the month...). Kittens are so soft and fluffy. c: The one name Luigi kept going for my shirt. Nice cat. He got the string that was there that I didn't notice. Makings of a personal groomer.

One of the best nights of the summer. By far. :]

Here's Ponyo, captured in all his blurry, aristocratic wonder shortly before being devoured.

I'd write more, but sleep beckons with its tantalizing apprentice, bed.

Anyway... Music suggestions?

whinemoanrant

It's 4:42 (5:12, as of now). I've been up for over 12 hours. I barely had 5 hours of sleep before that.

My body cannot comprehend why I'm doing this. My mind can though. It's been a throbbing jumble of grammar, punctuation, and schoolwork for hours. I have two essays to write, due tomorrow (Aug. 13). They would be a no-brainer if it weren't for the fact that- you know- I forgot everything about writing essays. I debated sleeping about an hour ago, decided it wouldn't be worth it since I'd have to wake up sooner and finish the essays. I tried using Write or Die. It's helped me with essay deadlines (read: procrastination) in the past. But unfortunately, it's only effective for me if I can turn my speakers up to hear the annoying noise it blasts at you when you've stopped writing for too long. Not a possibility, since I'd likely be murdered by family members. So I've had to settle for the primitive; mentally berating myself whilst slaving away over a word document. Naturally, this meant about 30% of my brain is devoted to insulting myself. Then, another 20% is dedicated to being ADD and generally distracted. Which leaves me with about 20% of my brain writing this essay. No, my math is not wrong. The remaining 20% is for other useless processes. Like, my brain imploring me to give up/sleep. You know, stupid and irrational?

I'm addicted to tumblr. Specifically, the Secret Postcards on tumblr. Oh, whatdoyaknow? It's also on blogspot here.

Ok. I feel I've settled down (read:ranted/whined) enough to get back to those pesky essays.

p.s. I can't find my cellphone. I need it to set and alarm to wake up tomorrow. I'm scared to go downstairs for fear of being chewed out by my mumsy. :\ FAIL.

guide me to cloud nine
i can feel it fading
my dreams are gone
i contemplate, interrogate
analyze my health
until there's nothing left

Ache. :[

Productivity...

...going up.

Woke up at 4:00 am. Couldn't go back to sleep, so I started and finished a book I bought the other day. Not a bad book. Kind of Junior High, but full of awesome allusions to mythology, so it made the nerd in me happy.

After some mindless walking around the house, trying to think of something to do, I plopped myself in front of my computer and finished a concept for a painting I've started. Then I- well... I started cleaning. Yes, me. Cleaning. Pulled out the swiffer and the vacuum, did half of the upstairs (the other half was left for my darling sister). Managed to tidy up all the loose papers all over the place. Even sorted through them and threw out all the random doodles I find myself... doodling.

After some more aimless wandering, some yellingatmysisterbecauseshethinksit'sdamnfunnyannoyingmewhenI'mrunningonthreehoursofsleep, I pulled out my art supplies (which really need to be organized in some way). Started making a paint palette out of bounty and parchment paper (MacGyver) and got to painting. An hour later, this is the result. It was going to be a forest in the background, but it ended up being some... kryptonite cavern or something once I realized I cannot- for the life of me- draw/paint trees. I'm sad that I didn't have enough money to be semi-gloss or matte blending medium/retarder, because the glossy is too shiny and I hate how it reflects lights from some angles. I really should read label more carefully before I pay $5.00 for a 118mL bottle. Traditional media is so expensive. :c

Tomorrow involves driving to places, so I must sleep.


Here's something to wrap your mind around.

p.s. Me and my J.J. with me he will pla-ay. All night and all da-ay, me and my J.J.!
My favorite episode. I love Private, though Kowalski is my favorite. :\

p.p.s. Harry Potter previews are killing me inside. But I shall be patient. <3

Underoos

All in all, today was a productive day. Not productive homework-wise. But, then again, who really cares about that.
It involved a shopping trip, me driving, and no yelling. Which constitutes as success in my book. The trip was to get ideas for my room, because it'd going to be re-painted. Thankfully. I was getting tired of the red in my room. Here's a tip: never choose to remodel when you're in a crappy mood, or going through an emo/rebellious phase.

I ended up finding a nice full-body mirror (or whatever they're called) with a blue frame that'll match the color of my room. The color I've chosen? The same as the nail polish I'm now wearing (to the right). I have big plans for my room, but my mom has been shooting a lot of them down. :\ I'll think of something, though. c:
Also bought undies. Is it wrong to be really happy about new underwear? :\

Franz Ferdinand- Ulysses

p.s. loveacrosstheocean, yes. I'm super ecstatic. I keep seeing previews and my eyes pop out of my head due to rising blood pressure. vlogbrothers, "And Ron Weasly has gotten so buff."

Camping '09/ Fire

Fire,
awesometurtle.

If you look carefully, it looks like some flaming monster or something. :\

All I really took pictures of while camping was the awesome rainbow fire. It was awesome.

More fire pictures

P.S. Last post for the week. I'm going to be cracking down on homework. Hopefully.

July 19

There's something really... comforting? Relaxing? about crying yourself to sleep for no reason other than sheer mental exhaustion.

That being said, I actually took some initiative and brought my book, Into The Wild, with me to my cousins' house to get some summer homework out of the way. And I actually read it. For a while. But some distractions popped up (read: duckling and alcoholic beverage, not together) so I ended up abandoning said endeavor in pursuit of a more relaxing one: doodling while watching Pirated of the Caribbean (2). Le sigh. I still can't spell caribbean without spell check.

I came home to get back to my nerdy adventures (i.e. CSS coding for a design). I really can't seem to design anything lately, but I have an unquenchable urge to code things. Need to find an outlet. Somehow. Anyone want a layout? Or know someone who wants a layout?

Should sleep now. Probably not going to happen, though. :\
Oh, well. You win some, you lose some.

p.s. New favorite song. The lyrics are kind of... amusing and witty. Or maybe it's just me being agnostic/atheist-ish. :\ Brand New- Jesus Christ (Lyrics here)

Once Again

Yup. New layout. Accidentally deleted my old one, so I figured it was time for a change.

Actually based from a layout I've been struggling with for a while. Sometimes coding just doesn't work. Can't win 'em all. :\ I managed to fix it in the end, but I still don't think it works well in I.E. 5.5. But, who uses that anymore?

Using Apple Safari now. So much less lagging than Mozilla. But Firefox's add-ons will forever have a special place in my nerdy heart. c:

I have to study for a test now. :[

"We were sitting with our back against the world,

Saying things that we thought were never heard,

Ooh, who would've thought it would end up like this?"

- The Script, Before the Worst

tumblr.

Just discovered it yesterday. I love having all of my internet presences in one place. Plus, twitter updates in the dashboard, so I don't need as many tabs. Not to mention professional-looking themes. :]

http://www.tumblr.com/

Use Somebody

I'm sitting here in my pleather chair, back and clothes sticking to the chair in the remarkably warm weather, papers spread all over my recently cleaned desk, an obvious sign of my abandoned attempt at studying for my test tomorrow. Segment Two is the most boring three days I've spent in my life. I can't pay attention long enough to absorb any of the material being reviewed, which makes the $30.⁰⁰ two hour class periods a waste of time. I keep getting tripped up by all the numbers and statistics I have to memorize. It's been well over a year since I took Drivers Training (segment one) and I can't remember the vague facts. I really need to study, because I can't wait till I get my license. Even though I hear nothing but complaints when I drive. Now it's my sister, not my mom, criticizing me, so I'm just going to go ahead and shrug it off as her being a bitch towards me like usual.

I'm really drowsy right now. Various disjointed thoughts are chasing each other around my head, and I'm just sitting back, watching them in a hazy, amused state. I'm too tired to settle on any thought for too long like I usually do. It's a rather.... relaxing feeling. Not thinking quite so much, not worrying. Not letting my mind add unnecessary weight to certain topics, like the future- my future. It's liberating in a sense.

I'm anxious to get my AP test results back. I completely forgot about them (trying to erase a traumatic experience from memory, lol) until my sister mentioned she got hers back. It's kind of on the peripheral. Right now I'm more worried about summer homework (mainly art). Honestly, what were the chances of my being idea-less right when I actually needed ideas?

I'm planning on taking a shower, studying for half an hour, then trying to read Into the Wild by Krakauer so I can hurry and move on with my summer homework. The summer homework that I conveniently lost the paper for, which outlined everything I needed to do. Joy. Hopefully my friend types it out for me soon, or I'm screwed.

-Julie

Plans

Ok. Found out I'm going camping Saturday. Which makes me kind of motivated to kick off what I've been putting off since... well, since school got out... (doodoodooooo transitional element)

So, I had a minor panic attack yesterday (technically two days ago, if you're anal). I sat down to make a list of what I want/need to have done by the end of summer vacation. Turns out, it's A LOT. I was thinking of ignoring my computer and it's magic (internets) so I could at least make a dent in what I have to do by the end of this week. Then I realized that... I can't.

Most of what is stressing me is my summer homework for art. Mainly because I can't think of anything I want to commit to paper/canvas/etc. And I kind of need the internet, especially dA, for inspiration. Plus, I need Twitter to talk to my cousin, so that's out of the question. c:

But, I compromise. Instead of lurking on dA, facebook, etc. like I do (I swear, I always have a tab with dA and facebook open), I'm only going to be on a total of 1-1.5 hours a day. In return, MSN will be open as long as my computer is on or it's not being a bitch. Which it does a lot.

Can't wait to go camping. Even with the imminent threat of mosquitoes of doom (and the resultant allergic reactions to them). There's going to be a lake or something that people can swim in there. Hopefully. PLanning on making sure we bring the inflatable boat/raft thing so I can draw out on the water. Yup, no swimming for me. Not in the mood for it. Maybe I'll get ideas for my art project/s. Maybe not. At least I'll have a shitload of sketches. c:


But, umm... Yea. That's all I have so far.
Waitwaitwait. One more thing. ;]


Since I'm a barren wasteland of ideas (i.e. I have NONE) I was hoping people could suggest things I could sketch in free/downtime. So, throw whatever you have at me. Free for all requests, basically.

p.s. I've noticed this alot, and I have no idea what it means; Blahblah blabbity blah, bipitty boppitty boo (read:blahblah). <-- What does that mean?! What is it's purpose/usage? Why am I obsessing over it?

p.p.s. Thinking about the future. Trying to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life. You know, no big deal. /wry laugh I was thinking of going into psycology. It's not really art related, but there's art therapists, too (though I think I'd be too busy judging skill rather than content, so it may be out of the question). The human mind just fascinates me. I kind of want to be someone who treats the really "messed up" cases (sociopaths, etc.). Yes, I know. What is wrong with me? It's just a though. In case nothing else turns up that I like. :\

Sincerely, Terrified

I... hate this. Shall I explain? <sub>Psh. Like you can stop me.

It all started with Fourth of July. Or, as I like to call it, mosquito hell. Stung so many times, so many times. I have a bite on my side, and I can't reach it easily. Do you know how craptastic it is wriggling around, trying to stop its incessant itching? Not to mention I have 4 bites on my right foot. One right above a vein, and it scares me to scratch it because I can feel the vein. Also, I'm having my usual allergic reaction, and my foot is so swollen. Like, ridiculously so.

Then, today, I went shopping with the family. Not boring, not fun. Kinda content with the day. We came home, made and ate scrumptious food. Homemade fries, in eggs with cheese. Kind of like a french fry omelet. Accompanied by salad. If you think it sounds disgusting, you don't know what you're missing out on, man. God, I'm drooling thinking about it. Meal was accompanied by Pepsi for some, beer for others. I was drowsy by the time I got in my room, so some might be able to guess where one of the beers went. So, I napped. And it wasn't my usual "nap," which usually last anywhere between 6 hours to... whenever. It was an actual, two hour nap. I woke up after one hour, sweating and swearing at how unbelievably hot it was. Half an hour later, it was freezing. Then, I managed to get back to sleep. And boy, I regret it. Nightmare. Now, I don't dream. Like, ever. I probably do during R.E.M. sleep and don't remember. But, I doubt I dream as much as the average person. Mainly because once I'm asleep, I'm dead to the world. Nothing reaches me. It's literally a battle trying to wake me up if I'm tried. There's clawing, punching, kicking, and hissing involved, all from me. So, the fact that I was having a nightmare was enough to scare me a bit. And it was a semi-lucid nightmare, I was aware of what I was doing.

But that wasn't the worst part.

It was a relatively short nightmare. But it involved one thing that is keeping me from turning my lights out now and going to sleep; A damn realistic, large spider. /shudder I can still picture it and... damn. It's freakin' me out.

The nightmare (henceforth referred to as dream, because that's what I keep typing) started with me sleeping. Sleeping in the dream. Then I woke, in the dream, but it was like I woke in real life. I was in my sister's room. First thing that told me things were off was that the furniture was rearranged. Anyway... The lights were off, but the hall light was on, causing a little path in front of the door to be illuminated. And on the ground, of course, was a spider. Form a fist with one hand. That was the relative size of it's body. Of course, it had eight (counted 'em) legs. And, I know this is going to sound terrible and disgusting, but it's the only way I can describe it... The spider was juicy. I don't mean, like, wet or slimy. Just, not small, dry, and spindly like spiders. Very... meaty and fleshy. It was struggling with something. I don't know what. I was to busy freaking out. So, I took a flashlight that was by me, turned it on, and rolled it towards the spider. It immediately attacks it, crawling all over and trying to move it, but failing. I utter a squeak. Next thing I know, it turn to face me, going up in the defense/warning posture spiders do before they attack- when they raise the front half of their body to make themselves appear larger and more intimidating. Which isn't necessary. I was already scared as hell. As soon as it did that, I kind of blacked out and woke up, my heart racing so fast it hurt, and literally paralyzed in fear.

I haven't been able to go back to bed since, even though I'm exhausted.

And to make it worse, I have a sudden urge to paint my dream.

Because I'm a freak.</sub>

_-Julie

p.s. Apologies for grammar/spelling mistakes. Don't really feel like proofreading.

July 01-02

Because, yes, I'm covering TWO days in one post.
I know. Lazy. Hence the one word sentences.

Bee Boop Bee Bop *transitional robot noises... times machine to July 1*

So, cousins dropped by on the first. Would have been fun, but the usual source of ideas/amusement/overall enthusiasm (i.e. Denis) was at summer college classes or whatever. So the majority of the time was spent bouncing "What do you want to do," and "I dunno. What do you want to do" back and forth, with varying enunciation. Somehow segued into a sleepover. Fun. Until I had to share a bed with Denis. Which is disaster. Here's the thing: When I sleep, it isn't instantaneous. It's not like as soon as I lay down/assume a position parallel to the ground I drop, completely and totally asleep. It takes hours to sleep. Hours in which I must have total silence, or my brain won't quit. And, of course, Denis kept snuggling, poking, tickling, and making weird noises. That was problem one. Problem two; I stretch all over the bed. You know crime scene investigation chalk outline, with the limbs flailed out all over the place? Yea. That's how I roll. Sprawled out like I've been dropped out of a plane (which, coincidentally, was what I dreamt of).

My lack of comfort/own bed resulted in me waking up at 7:00am. Unholy hour, considering I went to sleep around 2:00am. And I haven't taken a nap yet. I've been sleeping less and less lately, which can't be good. My heart/muscles around my heart ache 24/7 in an unusual way. Not a normal muscle-achy way.

In other news:
[link] Chat and stuff. Occasionally watch me doodle. Mainly because MSN won't stay open longer than, like, 5 minutes or so. Which makes me depressed. I'd use Meebo, but I keep closing the tab on accident. It's sucky, because I want to talk to people. Even though no one talks to me. I sound like a grade-schooler. "Sucky." Really, Julie? Wow. :]

I think I might be having an existential crisis.... which makes it sound really serious and terrifying. But it's not for me... hmmm....

Kind of funny because the first thing I thought when I saw this article (
[link] ) was, "So that's what I'm feeling," followed by, "Well. It's not 'art block' then." Because that's how my mind works. xD




Umm. Not for the uber-religious. ;] Still funny if you care to be open-minded.

Opposite of Insouciance

in⋅sou⋅ci⋅ance_–noun the quality of being insouciant; lack of care or concern; indifference.

I'm so busy thinking about... everything that I can't sleep. At all. Last "night," for example, I managed to doze off around the time the sun was rising, and birds were chirping in their terrible, chirpy, and happy voices. If you've never experienced the kind of exhaustion where you absolutely cannot sleep, no matter how hard you try, trust me. You don't want to. Everything aggravates you. EVERYTHING. I was pondering bird genocide around the time I dosed off. If that doesn't clue you in to my frustration, I don't know what will. I don't mind staying up till the morning. But that's only if I'm allowed to sleep my exhaustion off eventually. Unfortunately, that can't happen with my sister relentlessly attempting to wake me up. I swear, she's a masochist. With all my clawing, flailing, and general violence, she doesn't stop her attempts to wake me up.

I ended up waking in time to head downstairs and eat barbeque (yum). Then quickly headed out with my sister and mom to pick some books up from the library and buy myself a canvas for a painting I'm planning. However, nothing goes better with barbeque than some alcohol (not that I would know that... ;]) so my sister and I took turns driving. My sister has her license, I do not. And the reason is very simple. My parents do not trust me enough to take segment 2 (which involves ABSOLUTELY NO DRIVING). Managed to con my sister into driving most of the time. I ended up driving home. With terrified yelling from my mom, next to me. I dunno. I thought I was doing rather well. Apparently I have a problem turning the wheel or something? Unfortunately, my lovely family doesn't care enough to elaborate on what the hell I'm doing wrong, so I'm left second-guessing everything while I'm driving. Blinker on. Wait-wait. Did I turn the blinker on? Yes. Ok. Turn right. Was that where I was supposed to turn? They're not saying anything. Is that a yes? Is that a pedestrian? Are they crossi- no. No their not. Okay, foot, stop pressing on the brake. Dammit. And that's only several minutes of driving. Blah. It's one of the reasons I can't sleep.

Ok. So I've made a handy-dandy list of things that are stressing me/my thought process on a typical night. Want to hear? Too bad, you can't. Mainly because you're reading. I shall, however type said list out. Feel free to skip if you don't like unordered lists... or whiny, bitchy, petty lists... or just lists in general.

• Can't drive
• Can't create anything for my summer art assignments/portfolio
• Can't bring myself to read a book for english
• Can't bring myself to do english, period.
• Need to lose weight.
• Need to clean my room.
• Need to get out.
• Screw it. Can't go anywhere.
• Should make friends.
• Should at least attempt to develop deeper friendships.
• Hmm. Maybe that'll be easier if I stop being sarcastic...
• And mean...
• And petty...
• And overly critical of myself...
• And self-concious,
• Or is it self-aware(ness).
• Screw it. I never listenef in Health class...
• Hmm. Wonder what classes I chose for next year.
• My school picture will turn out like crap.
  
• Crap. Junior year.
• Senior year follows.
• Then MAYBE college. Maybe. If I can figure out what to do with the rest of my life...
  
• Don't wanna grow up more.
• Scared.
  
• Damn bird.
• Weird mosquito bite. Stop swelling.
• I learning to spell mosquito in 4th grade.
• Millennium in 1st.
• Hated both teachers. :[
• Actually... never had I teacher I liked...
• They all seemed to dislike me...
• Hmm... I wonder who else dislikes me...
• ...
• ...
• Need to get a job...........
• Should be more creative.
• And personable...
• Playing solitaire on my iPod at 5:00am can't be healthy...
• Sleep.

Oh, well. Maybe getting my haircut tomorrow. Couldn't wake up in time last time. Still have to show parental unit/s potential hairstyle/s. Father will roll his eyes and question who the hell influences me, because I have no friends. Mother will be busy fiddling with hair and saying I should chop it all off, it's the summer, it has time to grow.

Hmm. Rant entries are... rant-like. I'm tired. Maybe I should try to sleep.

-Julie

Grammar

Why grammar?
First off, because grammer is incorrect. It's spelled grammar.
Secondly, because, whether you like it or not, it's there. It's not leaving. And how you use it says a hell of a lot about you.

I'm not referring to the textbook, high school type of grammar. You know, when you have to identify the clauses, then further identify how it's acting, then further identify- well, you understand. Oh, no. I'm referring to the grammar that is innate. You just feel when it's wrong.

So, here are 10 flagrant grammar mistakes that make you look stupid.

I personally, am guilty of...
#4: i.e. for e.g.
#8: Lay for lie (rarely)
#10: Could of, would of for could have, would have

Most of it has to do with the fact that when I'm writing, I'm saying everything that I'm about to write in my head. It's like reading a book for yourself. Only, in a way, it's like reverse reading, when you read before seeing the tangible word.

Good resource: Grammar Girl (The site has more useful resources).

So, why am I writing about grammar, in my personal blog, during summer vacation? Probably because I'm somehow dealing with the inevitably of sitting down, reading my summer assignments, and eventually grudgingly typing out that masterpiece essay.

-Julie

p.s. I just went through this whole entire day thinking I was born in 1992. WRONG. Stupid brain. Work. :[

Infestation

At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I hereby state that my room is infested by bugs and various tiny, exoskeleton-bearing critters. Every night before I go to sleep I have to check every nook and cranny of my room to make sure there are no creepy-crawlies. It makes me sound paranoid, but I can't bear the though of bugs crawling all over me, with their multiple legs and tiny statures. Imagine the places they can crawl into, and try NOT to feel your skin crawl.

Crap. Hang on. Moth snuck in...

Wow. What a polite moth. I opened my door, and he flew out, close to the floor. Kind of like a visitor that's finally realized he has overstayed his welcome.

In other news, Michael Jackson is dead. At least now I can enrich my music collection without supporting an alleged pedophile. (Pedo-PALOOZA!)

I should get to sleep. I have a feeling I'm going to be dragged out of bed at some unholy hour (before 12:00 p.m.) to get my hair cut. I'm not complaining about the haircut part. My hair is getting unruly because my layers have grown out, so I no longer have any volume to my hair. Picture Severus Snape, and you've got what my hair looks like, no matter the amount of blow-drying or hairspray.

Speaking of which, very excited about the Harry Potter movie. Looks awesome. Also want to see Ice Age. Scrat? Love interest? Innuendo (nuts)? Sounds like a hit for all ages. ;]

I managed to doodle several things today. Made me happy, considering I wasted part of my day playing PS2, and the other part staying in the garage, watching a freakish storm with ridiculous winds. Yes. My whole family was in the garage. Yes, we were having a blast. My dad was laughing when the storm started. He was oustide, we were inside, and we still heard him. Fun stuff. Gotta love the insanity of my family at times. :]

Anywho. Among the things I doodled was this (point right). I've actually considered getting my hair cut like this. Kind of choppy and very geometrical. Unfortunately, I doubt I could pull it off. Especially considering I'm the type of person who hates standing out. I'm just going to stick to getting a trim. Keeping my "reverse-mullet" hairstyle, as my sister lovingly calls it. :\

Going to scour my house for interesting objects tomorrow. Setting up a still life to get one of my art summer projects out of the way. Painting. On canvas. I'll probably get pissed and abandon it halfway through, though. Oh, well. It's the only thing I can think of doing. I'm too intimidated by the fact that whatever I do is going in my portfolio. So it's kind of important, and I don't want to waste time on something I can't put in. Though, technically, I'm wasting time thinking of what to do. Oh, well. Reality plays cruel tricks sometimes.

Ok. Placed a sweater at the bottom of my door to prevent the creepy, stalker moth- as well as other things. I'm going to go to sleep now. Hopefully exhaustion will drag me to sleep. Probably not, though. I swear, why can't I have this much energy during the day; when I actually need it? Blah.

-Julie

June 19

I usually go through my life feeling either sad, or content. Happy is a precious, rare gem. A gem I haven't held in a while lately. Then early this morning, around 4:00 am I realized I should probably get to sleep if I wanted to wake up at a relatively human hour. So, I turn off my light, snuggle into my bed (it was freakishly cold), close my eyes, and start the battle to get my conscious to quiet long enough for me to allow my subconscious to take over and let me sleep. While laying there, I started seeing images on the back of my eyelids. I child with a bucket on his head, a girl with outspread arms before a scene of wreckage. In other words, my imagination was working for the first time in a while. I immediately jumped out of bed, turned my light on, and proceeded to doodle furiously. And the surprising thing? I did it. I managed to transfer what I saw in my head on paper. And I felt... excited? Free? No. Happy. I was freaking ecstatic. After several months of being unable to tap into any form of my creativity, I suddenly had all sorts of images spilling forth. I managed to break through the block that had been keeping me from drawing for weeks.

Most people have things they are naturally good at, or something that gives them comfort. For some, it's writing, for others, sitting down with a history anthology and reading the whole while retaining every detail. I can't do that. History bores me. No matter how much the author tries to make it exciting, it still feels like an 80 year-old droning on and on in a monotone voice. Writing also doesn't come too naturally to me. Hell, I'd even go so far as to say I suck at it. Every time I write, my mind is working on hyperspeed. It's mentally exhausting for me. I have to be able to go back and revise. I. Have. To. In fact, in this one paragraph alone, I've gone back and edited, moved around, and revised about 6 times. SIX times, for one paragraph, in a BLOG. It has to do with my somewhat perfectionist nature, I suppose. So, I found a hobby/talent that doesn't bore me too much, or make me think too hard. Art. It's a perfect balance. It's kind of an innate sense for me half the time. So, while I am conciously thinking about composition, proportion, balance, movement, unity, etc., I am subconciously moving my pencil, I am subconciously noting specific details, and I am subconciously arranging what I'm doing in what is aesthetic to me. The key, I think, is the use of personal pronouns. I, me, mine. It's me. Art is something I do for me. I don't do it to impress people, I don't do it to be able to say, "Yeah, I am an artist." I do it so I can say, "I did that. With my own hands," and be damn proud of it. And my nature shows in my art. I'm not someone who likes to stand out. I do what I can to fit in as much as I can. And it shows in my reluctance to be daring, or to try new things. But I'll let you in on a little secret, since you've read this far...

I hate that.

I hate not being able to think outside of the box.
I hate being scared to try something new.
and I absolutely hate my reluctance to show myself- to express myself- as fully as I want to.

Isn't that what art is supposed to be? Self-expression. Granted, for artists who make a living producing art, there's the commercial aspect, that sometimes prevents from full, or even partial expression.

Oh, well. Just some random for the people who read this (which is between 0-1).

Hopefully I'll be able to produce more. I have a commission. Want to get more, but beggers can't be choosers.

p.s. I need ideas for my summer homework. It's traditional media, but that doesn't really restrict me (except that it cost money). I have a blanck 9x11 canvas that I want to paint on, but I have no idea what to paint on said canvas. Help?

p.s.s.
Phoenix - Lisztomania (Classixx Version) Fun song. :]

Jun 18

No special title today...

So far, I've been having a very uneventful summer. Really dull. technically, I have a lot of homework I should be working on... But I can't focus.
I'm too busy being an angsty, depressed teenager. I wish it would pass. I want happy. And creativity.

This sucks, man. ;]

Still, I have a commission to work on. Just finished one, and I got another one. It's good times. I want to finish quickly. $30.00, man. For a bust commission. I haven't gotten that much on a commission in a while. Last one was a full-blown novel cover for only $25.00. Which is really selling myself short. Considering the work I put into it, it should have been around $40-$50. But, at least it's work. And money. :D

I've been refreshing my Twitter every 5 minutes. Which is funny. Because I only follow 5 people, and only 3 follow me. Don't know why I'm so obsessed... I should be worried about my addiction to the internets, but I'm too busy surfing the aforementioned to care. Ah, apathy. So wonderful. So common for me. Digg.com is another addiction as of late. In case you wanted to know...


That's all I have. I'm off to alternate between drawing, reading, and occasionally doze off... :\

June 17, planet earth

I woke up today with a major headache, bloodshot eyes, and the driest mouth. I wasn't hungover or anything. Apparently, the flu that I thought I was done with came back and kicked my ass. I think I got it back from one of my other family members. I really, really don't like how lethargic and drained I'm feeling. It's a definite damper on an otherwise lovely day.

I managed to get 2 "doodles" done. As well as a commission. Hoping to get a reply on the latter. The sooner I'm done with it, the sooner I can focus on my summer homework. Honestly, I've put so many hours into it, and it still doesn't looks how I would want it. The customer seems pleased, though, so I can't exactly complain, since I will be getting paid. Not much, considering the work, but I've lowered my prices because I find myself working inexplicably slow. It takes a lot of willpower to force myself to work on work and not my own, personal doodles. Willpower that I don't have most of the time. :[



Still, despite being motivation-less and lacking any creativity whatsoever, I managed to pull this out of... somewhere. ;] It involved plenty of references. I'm particularly proud of the perspective on the roller blade. I still don't know what colors to use, but at the moment I'm proud to produce anything. It may be the Groove Salad I was listening to that helped. Honestly, it really helps me focus. I also listen to it while doing homework and whatnot. (iTunes radio -> ambient-> Groove Salad) . It may also be that this is all you hear in the art rooms at school when we're working, so it tells my subconscious I should be drawing. Kind of like a stimulus, perhaps?

Music is such an important aspect of life. You can't really go anywhere without hearing it- Experiencing it. Nowadays, with MP3s, phones, and other gadgets that enable you to take your music wherever you go, it's especially hard to escape music. And... why would you want to? Music is art. Art is expression. Whether you made the music or not, it says something about you. The music you download, buy, listen to can say a lot about a person. I, personally, listen only to music that fits my mood. If I'm happy, it's happy music. If I'm sad, it's classical or slow. If I'm depressed or angry, its rock or something loud, with force. Sometimes it may not seem like a song that fits that mood, whether melodically or lyrically.

My cousin, loveacrosstheocean, mentioned how "we put too much meaning in media (music, movies, shows) when they really don't have anything to do with us." I agree, but not in the sense that they have nothing to do with us. They are made- written, engineered, call it whatever you'd like- to affect us. Why? Because they're are composed and written by humans. Liking music, having it affect us, is the same as sympathizing or empathizing with another person.



That's all I have for today. I'm off to try to figure out a color palette for my sketch.

-Julie

Edit: LOL!