So, I've officially highjacked my sister's laptop, since mine, apparently, hates me. I don't want to tell my dad m computer's acting really odd, since I'm scared I'll lose even more files (last time he "fixed" my computer I lost a lot of photos and drawings). I'll just continue to debate this until my computer is inoperable.


In other news, Portfolio Day was today! It was fun. As fun as anything that you have to wake up at 8:00 am on a Saturday for. It was at teh University of Michigan, and I'm quite possibly in love with that campus. And the rooms in the Art and Architecture building are so... awesome.


My dad got there early, and had to stand for 30 minutes. They would only let us see representatives at 11:00 on the dot. I was just excited because all of the colleges I wanted to review my portfolio were in one room. Unfortunately, when I got there people were bustling around, saying the were relocated to different, separate rooms. So I was trying to figure out what rooms they were, while my dad refused to help me because I had to "figure out how to do thing on my own" and "be independent." Oh, well. I made him hold my purse, so I had my revenge.


I went to Kendall first. Even though it's in Grand Rapids and there's no way I could commute. I jut wanted to get feedback. And the representative I talked to was amazing. Her name was Gypsy (quite possibly the most amazing name ever). Her main feedback was that I needed more observational drawings, which I've been aware of for a realy long time.


Then the Univerity of Michigan. That was fun. It was really... refreshing? The person I was talking to was so energetic and just awesome. He even wrote some things I'd possibly be interested in at the DIA and suggested I go to the university gallery. I was too exhausted to go to the university gallery, but there's time. :]


Then I got to eat fast food for the first time since... I don't even remember. Probably the last time my cousin was here (see, loveacrosstheocean, I need you here to chauffeur me to fast food joints and creepy dirt roads with traffic lights that NEVER change). I don't think I've ever been so happy with life.


It was such a nice day. I was so nervous and worried that I'd be told I was crap or that I was nowhere near the level I should be at my age. It's hard being in an AP art class and seeing everyone around you being amazing without starting to doubt your own abilities. I just have to work a hell of a lot harder, instead of relying on my natural talents to get me by.


I'm debating whether I should try to get a guitar or a laptop for Christmas. It'd be amazing if I could have both... but my litte fantasy world has not yet become that tangible. I really want a Mac, if for no other reason then that they're less suceptible to viruses. Unfortunately, they are muy expensive. Does anyone have suggestions? Guitar or Mac?


I'm off to see if I can sneak the other laptop away so I can make a lame/dry video for the lovely loveacrosstheocean.

Omnomnoming on provolone cheese and hunter's sausages (that, seriously, is not supposed to be laden with innuendo- [in who's endo?])

Blah. My apathetic week is turning out nicely. My Physics test went, in my opnion, rather well. Of course, he probably dumbed it down since nobod undertstands any of it. And that's not an exaggeration, either. Kind of sad, I suppose.

I'm planning a feast for Friday. I'm making a sort-of Fettucini Alfredo, with mushroom cream sauce (with some parsely and garlic, perhaps). Then I'm making a two-layer cake; One layer vanilla, the other chocolate. Soaked in rum with Nutella in between and covering the cake. Very excited for this undertaking. Going to take it easy on Friday so I have energy to do all of this, since it's the only day I have time.

And, of course, Saturday is HALLOWEEN! Or, as my lovely mother calls it, Satan's Day (And other blasphemous nicknames). She doesn't like it, thinks its horrible and bad taste, blah blah blah. The rest of my family has tried explaining it, even from the tradition aspect (she's all for tradition, so I thought it would work). She's not buying it.

I also have a portfolio review thing at the University of Michigan Saturday as well. Really excited to recieve feedback on my art, but on some level terrified. I'm feeling really inadequate (that's what she said) with my art, and I'm scared to get shot down by art colleges or to be told I'm crap. Blehhh. I have to get all of my projects gathered up and print out my digital work by Saturday morning.


And my friend is selling her car, and I might be able to get it kind of cheap (she really wants to be rid of it). So I'll have a car! Well, we'll have a car, seeing as to how I have to share with my sister. :[ Buuuut, my mom finally agreed to call my drivining instructor-person-thing, so I should be having my road test soon. I'm so excited. But the cool, aloof, nonchalant excitement. ;]

In other news, Christmas is in, like, two months. Very excited.

How's life for everyone else?

p.s. Can anyone think of any Fairytales that I can draw? I have to finish it by next Wednesday, but I'm completely lost for ideas.

I'm folded up in my chair, grudgingly listening to Party in the USA while wondering when someone will tell me where all this time goes. Because I seriously did not accomplish anything this weekend. And there was a lot to accomplish.

I'm sick of stressing over a plethora of things that end up feeling to unbelievably pointless and leaves me feeling... nothing. I don't even get that little voice in my head saying "Success!" I just feel so apathetic. I'm not even sure if I'd react if I was poked with a needle at this point.

<--- Skip over angsty teenage and hormone induced blah--/>

I know I tend to have an obsessive personality. But my obsessions rarely stand the test of time. Few last more than a month. If they last more than 2 months, they're keepers; like art or music. But this just makes me appreciate the past so much, and makes me far too easily susceptible to nostalgia and severe melancholy.

< Okay. Maybe there was some more teenage angsty blah stuff. I lied. />

< Barely disguised attempt to get comments and feedback />

I just need to learn to unwind and relax. The problem is... how?

< Conclusion??? />

Whatever. I'll go back to crawling under my warm covers and "studying" while all the time hoping something happens to cancel school tomorrow. Terribly wishful thinking, I know.

I need to catch up and comment on things.


But that can, and will, wait. In theory, I should be studying right now. Or sleeping. Neither are happening. Well, you know- theories aren't always true.


I wish I had something to say. I feel like all of my entries are repetitions of the same old thing. Which, I suppose make sense, since I go through the same numbing, exhausting routine day in and day out.

I just... want something out of the ordinary. Or at least be able to get out of the house more.
I went to the park yesterday with my sister and a friend. It was the most fun I'd had in a long time. We trudged through the mudd forest (my choice in shoes was terrible for this excursion). We came across some really old abondoned machinery. It was swallowed by the earth, rust, and graffiti. Really amazing. I'm planning on going there this weekend, armed with my camera, and taking as many pictures as I can.

The little excursion instilled a "I really want to paint/draw/create" feeling in me, but I remained without the slightest clue as to WHAT I should create.

I have managed to stay home from school! This is exciting in that I NEVER stay home from school unless I'm deathly sick. 

But it had to be done. There was no way I would have been able to finish all of my homework and my art projects that are due tomorrow. And I still woke up at 6:00 a.m. and got ready, then went to school. Only instead of staying at school, I coerced my mom into taking me home so I could do homework. In the name of homework, she agreed. Now I'm sitting on my floor, paint supplies all around me while I slave over my art project. And I really am slaving over it. For some reason, the paint isn't staying where I apply it. If I go over it while it's wet, the layers under it are removed. Which means I have to wait 30 minutes between layers. And I use a LOT of layers when I paint. 

By the way, the header image for the layout? Yes, it's me. And yes, it is an amazing expression. :]

I'm really tempted to crawl into my bed and nap, though. :c It is really distracting knowing I could be warm and rested if I just get up and take two steps before I droop into bed. Yes, "droop." Because it's the only way I can acurately describe the slow "melty" motion I get in bed when I'm exhausted. 


 Plato questioned reality: "what is really real?" I've found myself doing this countless times, especially this week when I get this sinking feeling that everything I'm doing feels so... fabricated. Has anyone else felt like this?

I'm going to make a silent plea to any higher powers to make it possible for me to get through this week well-rested. I'm dreading it already. Such a hectic week. Picture references for art due tomorrow, PSAT Wednesday, NAHS forms due either Wednesday or Thursday, and Brave New World, NHS forms, and THREE art projects due Friday.

But I honestly need sleep. Either that or some caffeine apparatus that continuously injects caffeine into my system. Have you ever been so utterly exhausted you went through a whole day with vertigo? I can't even tell you how many times I ran into walls today, or had to stop and rest in the middle of the hall or risk collapsing and curling into the fetal position to sleep.

I'm going to trudge through this week like that kid that had to shoot Old Yeller: dejected but determined.

I've been browsing for possible guitars online lately. Since I don't yet know if I'll stay with guitar, I'd like a rather cheap one. I've had my eyes on the Ibanez IJV50 Jam Pack Quick Start simply because it's within my price range, and I don't need to cough up more money to buy additional accessories. Plus the reviews seem mostly positive. But I am far from knowing much of anything about guitars. Anyone know of better options?


Sincerely,
Exhausted

Impetus

No real reason for the title. But it does sound all cool and intelligent, doesn't it?

Today started as what should have been a productive day. I'll copy my lovely loveacrosstheocean's format and bullet-point:

• Awoke before 12:00.
• Made myself a delicious omelet...
• Followed by Elder Flower, Rosehip, and green tea.
• I was going to go shopping and maaaybe look at guitars, but I have a lazy sister and personally lack a license.
  
• Ended up going to the mall with said sister and her friends. Felt like an awkward turtle as per usual. I think I'm incapable of having fun. :[
• Did not do any homework, art or otherwise.

Perhaps the only somewhat productive thing that I've done is fill out some job applications and start working on my NHS writing. Of course, I'm stuck on my applications because I don't know what to put for half of the things. And I'm not sure if I should attach a resume. Which then brings up the question of how to go about creating said resume.

Blah. At least I bought paint. Not I just have to actually start working on my projects. Three projects due by Friday. Will I make it? I wish someone would give me incentive, particularly in the form of money. ;]

My parents have agreed to me buying a guitar for myself for Christmas, but I'm not sure if I I can wait so long... :\ I'm just so excited. I

We were us, we were human,
Just a little disillusioned.

oct 10

I'll just dive headfirst (onto concrete) and say that I'm essentially failing Physics. I even started tearing up on Thursday because I couldn't understand the quiz. And, the joy is that I have quizzes in that class every single day. Quizzes that I have not gotten more than 2 points (out of 5) on. I'm just used to classes that I know and understand things after they are explained. The downside to physics is that my teacher doesn't really teach, and just assigns TIMED quizzes. It takes me a long time to wrap my head around a story problem. I cannot do a ten-step story problem that involves trigonometry (which I have not yet taken) in 5 minutes. And it's too late to drop the class, so my GPA will drop. :[

The most wonderful part of the day was that EVERYTHING was hilarious. Probably to due my lack of sleep, but nonetheless. Of course, getting home and discovering I had forgotten my keys inside when I left was a little adventure. I had my backpack, a large canvas, paints, brushes, and cellphone in my hand. It left for tricky maneuvering to get into my shed so I could take some shelter from the rain. But, I discovered I get pretty decent WiFi in there, so I was reading MLIA on my phone while waiting for my dad to get home. Of course, Denis was taking the garbage cans from the street and being all responsible while I was cackling like a madwoman in my shed. I'm debating "accidentally" forgetting my keys when it rains so I can repeat this. I'll put chairs in the shed, maybe a little table....

I'm so glad I learned tea has caffiene in it. Don't judge me. I just didn't think it would. Since I've found out, though, it's all I drink school all day. I'm shocked I'm so awake all day. Granted, I crash as soon as I get home, but I'm actually retaining specific information from my classes!

I just wish I had a firmer grasp on time management, because I've found myself stuck finish three art projects this weekend. Blah.

p.s. New layout for fall. Let me know if anything's difficult to read/annoying (not the content, though, darlings).

October 3 2009 [edit]

I'm trying to get myself to wake up, here. Might as well multitask and update at the same time, ne?

I really wish I had something interesting to write. Alas, I do not. All I have are failed plans and attempts that have been building up until I just want to crawl into my bed and sob uncontrollably. The main reason for this is because I'm almost one hundred percent sure I failed on my first Physics test. And, honestly, for the stupidest, most petty reason-- because I didn't write each problem-solving problem on a separate sheet of lined paper. First of all, he was saying these instructions to a person who will write/draw on a single sheet of paper, front an back, until there's no room left for anything else. Secondly, considering the fact that our school doesn't really have a lot of money, should we really be wasting paper? And, finally, WE'RE KILLING TREEEEES.

Lately I've been addicted to music. Even more so than usual. It's been really inspiring. Not the kind of inspiration that makes me draw, but the kind that makes me write. I've been filling up papers with tiny poems. I kind of wish I played/owned an instrument so I can set a beat/melody to them. Which brings me to my ridiculous wish that both parents laughed at; I want to own an acoustic guitar. More than I want a new graphics tablet, which says a lot. Meh, I don't know. I just really, really want to go back to playing an instrument. I loved playing the flute in 5th grade, and really hated having to quit. I still have my book- it's here next to me. I'm sad I don't remember how to read sheet music as quickly as I used to. :[ I'll look for a cheap guitar and just buy it for myself if my parents don't agree. I can afford one from walmart. :\

I'm listening to Wake Up by Mackintosh Braun. The irony? I'm getting so sleeepy. I'll see if I can go see Whip It, if not, sleep. c:

Blah. I dislike the former post for this day.

This is what the lack of social interaction does. Honestly, I doubt I've said more than 100 words today. I've had profound conversations in my head, but that doesn't feel quite the same. ;]

I still feel blah, though. That much hasn't changed. It's this odd, perpetual drowsiness coupled with drinking massive amounts of water/liquid and a strange craving for anything sweet. It's left me in this lethargic state of sadness, the soundtrack of which has been A little Bit Longer and Lovebug by the Jonas Brothers, and various angst songs from my angsty junior high years. I'll be going to sleep listening to Owl City, which should mellow me out for the morrow. Tomorrow brings the promise of Coney chili cheese fries and shopping for art supplies, albeit only if I wake up in time for church. :\

Win some, lose some. Just make sure you see the inspiration in it.