Opposite of Insouciance

in⋅sou⋅ci⋅ance_–noun the quality of being insouciant; lack of care or concern; indifference.

I'm so busy thinking about... everything that I can't sleep. At all. Last "night," for example, I managed to doze off around the time the sun was rising, and birds were chirping in their terrible, chirpy, and happy voices. If you've never experienced the kind of exhaustion where you absolutely cannot sleep, no matter how hard you try, trust me. You don't want to. Everything aggravates you. EVERYTHING. I was pondering bird genocide around the time I dosed off. If that doesn't clue you in to my frustration, I don't know what will. I don't mind staying up till the morning. But that's only if I'm allowed to sleep my exhaustion off eventually. Unfortunately, that can't happen with my sister relentlessly attempting to wake me up. I swear, she's a masochist. With all my clawing, flailing, and general violence, she doesn't stop her attempts to wake me up.

I ended up waking in time to head downstairs and eat barbeque (yum). Then quickly headed out with my sister and mom to pick some books up from the library and buy myself a canvas for a painting I'm planning. However, nothing goes better with barbeque than some alcohol (not that I would know that... ;]) so my sister and I took turns driving. My sister has her license, I do not. And the reason is very simple. My parents do not trust me enough to take segment 2 (which involves ABSOLUTELY NO DRIVING). Managed to con my sister into driving most of the time. I ended up driving home. With terrified yelling from my mom, next to me. I dunno. I thought I was doing rather well. Apparently I have a problem turning the wheel or something? Unfortunately, my lovely family doesn't care enough to elaborate on what the hell I'm doing wrong, so I'm left second-guessing everything while I'm driving. Blinker on. Wait-wait. Did I turn the blinker on? Yes. Ok. Turn right. Was that where I was supposed to turn? They're not saying anything. Is that a yes? Is that a pedestrian? Are they crossi- no. No their not. Okay, foot, stop pressing on the brake. Dammit. And that's only several minutes of driving. Blah. It's one of the reasons I can't sleep.

Ok. So I've made a handy-dandy list of things that are stressing me/my thought process on a typical night. Want to hear? Too bad, you can't. Mainly because you're reading. I shall, however type said list out. Feel free to skip if you don't like unordered lists... or whiny, bitchy, petty lists... or just lists in general.

• Can't drive
• Can't create anything for my summer art assignments/portfolio
• Can't bring myself to read a book for english
• Can't bring myself to do english, period.
• Need to lose weight.
• Need to clean my room.
• Need to get out.
• Screw it. Can't go anywhere.
• Should make friends.
• Should at least attempt to develop deeper friendships.
• Hmm. Maybe that'll be easier if I stop being sarcastic...
• And mean...
• And petty...
• And overly critical of myself...
• And self-concious,
• Or is it self-aware(ness).
• Screw it. I never listenef in Health class...
• Hmm. Wonder what classes I chose for next year.
• My school picture will turn out like crap.
  
• Crap. Junior year.
• Senior year follows.
• Then MAYBE college. Maybe. If I can figure out what to do with the rest of my life...
  
• Don't wanna grow up more.
• Scared.
  
• Damn bird.
• Weird mosquito bite. Stop swelling.
• I learning to spell mosquito in 4th grade.
• Millennium in 1st.
• Hated both teachers. :[
• Actually... never had I teacher I liked...
• They all seemed to dislike me...
• Hmm... I wonder who else dislikes me...
• ...
• ...
• Need to get a job...........
• Should be more creative.
• And personable...
• Playing solitaire on my iPod at 5:00am can't be healthy...
• Sleep.

Oh, well. Maybe getting my haircut tomorrow. Couldn't wake up in time last time. Still have to show parental unit/s potential hairstyle/s. Father will roll his eyes and question who the hell influences me, because I have no friends. Mother will be busy fiddling with hair and saying I should chop it all off, it's the summer, it has time to grow.

Hmm. Rant entries are... rant-like. I'm tired. Maybe I should try to sleep.

-Julie

Grammar

Why grammar?
First off, because grammer is incorrect. It's spelled grammar.
Secondly, because, whether you like it or not, it's there. It's not leaving. And how you use it says a hell of a lot about you.

I'm not referring to the textbook, high school type of grammar. You know, when you have to identify the clauses, then further identify how it's acting, then further identify- well, you understand. Oh, no. I'm referring to the grammar that is innate. You just feel when it's wrong.

So, here are 10 flagrant grammar mistakes that make you look stupid.

I personally, am guilty of...
#4: i.e. for e.g.
#8: Lay for lie (rarely)
#10: Could of, would of for could have, would have

Most of it has to do with the fact that when I'm writing, I'm saying everything that I'm about to write in my head. It's like reading a book for yourself. Only, in a way, it's like reverse reading, when you read before seeing the tangible word.

Good resource: Grammar Girl (The site has more useful resources).

So, why am I writing about grammar, in my personal blog, during summer vacation? Probably because I'm somehow dealing with the inevitably of sitting down, reading my summer assignments, and eventually grudgingly typing out that masterpiece essay.

-Julie

p.s. I just went through this whole entire day thinking I was born in 1992. WRONG. Stupid brain. Work. :[

Infestation

At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I hereby state that my room is infested by bugs and various tiny, exoskeleton-bearing critters. Every night before I go to sleep I have to check every nook and cranny of my room to make sure there are no creepy-crawlies. It makes me sound paranoid, but I can't bear the though of bugs crawling all over me, with their multiple legs and tiny statures. Imagine the places they can crawl into, and try NOT to feel your skin crawl.

Crap. Hang on. Moth snuck in...

Wow. What a polite moth. I opened my door, and he flew out, close to the floor. Kind of like a visitor that's finally realized he has overstayed his welcome.

In other news, Michael Jackson is dead. At least now I can enrich my music collection without supporting an alleged pedophile. (Pedo-PALOOZA!)

I should get to sleep. I have a feeling I'm going to be dragged out of bed at some unholy hour (before 12:00 p.m.) to get my hair cut. I'm not complaining about the haircut part. My hair is getting unruly because my layers have grown out, so I no longer have any volume to my hair. Picture Severus Snape, and you've got what my hair looks like, no matter the amount of blow-drying or hairspray.

Speaking of which, very excited about the Harry Potter movie. Looks awesome. Also want to see Ice Age. Scrat? Love interest? Innuendo (nuts)? Sounds like a hit for all ages. ;]

I managed to doodle several things today. Made me happy, considering I wasted part of my day playing PS2, and the other part staying in the garage, watching a freakish storm with ridiculous winds. Yes. My whole family was in the garage. Yes, we were having a blast. My dad was laughing when the storm started. He was oustide, we were inside, and we still heard him. Fun stuff. Gotta love the insanity of my family at times. :]

Anywho. Among the things I doodled was this (point right). I've actually considered getting my hair cut like this. Kind of choppy and very geometrical. Unfortunately, I doubt I could pull it off. Especially considering I'm the type of person who hates standing out. I'm just going to stick to getting a trim. Keeping my "reverse-mullet" hairstyle, as my sister lovingly calls it. :\

Going to scour my house for interesting objects tomorrow. Setting up a still life to get one of my art summer projects out of the way. Painting. On canvas. I'll probably get pissed and abandon it halfway through, though. Oh, well. It's the only thing I can think of doing. I'm too intimidated by the fact that whatever I do is going in my portfolio. So it's kind of important, and I don't want to waste time on something I can't put in. Though, technically, I'm wasting time thinking of what to do. Oh, well. Reality plays cruel tricks sometimes.

Ok. Placed a sweater at the bottom of my door to prevent the creepy, stalker moth- as well as other things. I'm going to go to sleep now. Hopefully exhaustion will drag me to sleep. Probably not, though. I swear, why can't I have this much energy during the day; when I actually need it? Blah.

-Julie

June 19

I usually go through my life feeling either sad, or content. Happy is a precious, rare gem. A gem I haven't held in a while lately. Then early this morning, around 4:00 am I realized I should probably get to sleep if I wanted to wake up at a relatively human hour. So, I turn off my light, snuggle into my bed (it was freakishly cold), close my eyes, and start the battle to get my conscious to quiet long enough for me to allow my subconscious to take over and let me sleep. While laying there, I started seeing images on the back of my eyelids. I child with a bucket on his head, a girl with outspread arms before a scene of wreckage. In other words, my imagination was working for the first time in a while. I immediately jumped out of bed, turned my light on, and proceeded to doodle furiously. And the surprising thing? I did it. I managed to transfer what I saw in my head on paper. And I felt... excited? Free? No. Happy. I was freaking ecstatic. After several months of being unable to tap into any form of my creativity, I suddenly had all sorts of images spilling forth. I managed to break through the block that had been keeping me from drawing for weeks.

Most people have things they are naturally good at, or something that gives them comfort. For some, it's writing, for others, sitting down with a history anthology and reading the whole while retaining every detail. I can't do that. History bores me. No matter how much the author tries to make it exciting, it still feels like an 80 year-old droning on and on in a monotone voice. Writing also doesn't come too naturally to me. Hell, I'd even go so far as to say I suck at it. Every time I write, my mind is working on hyperspeed. It's mentally exhausting for me. I have to be able to go back and revise. I. Have. To. In fact, in this one paragraph alone, I've gone back and edited, moved around, and revised about 6 times. SIX times, for one paragraph, in a BLOG. It has to do with my somewhat perfectionist nature, I suppose. So, I found a hobby/talent that doesn't bore me too much, or make me think too hard. Art. It's a perfect balance. It's kind of an innate sense for me half the time. So, while I am conciously thinking about composition, proportion, balance, movement, unity, etc., I am subconciously moving my pencil, I am subconciously noting specific details, and I am subconciously arranging what I'm doing in what is aesthetic to me. The key, I think, is the use of personal pronouns. I, me, mine. It's me. Art is something I do for me. I don't do it to impress people, I don't do it to be able to say, "Yeah, I am an artist." I do it so I can say, "I did that. With my own hands," and be damn proud of it. And my nature shows in my art. I'm not someone who likes to stand out. I do what I can to fit in as much as I can. And it shows in my reluctance to be daring, or to try new things. But I'll let you in on a little secret, since you've read this far...

I hate that.

I hate not being able to think outside of the box.
I hate being scared to try something new.
and I absolutely hate my reluctance to show myself- to express myself- as fully as I want to.

Isn't that what art is supposed to be? Self-expression. Granted, for artists who make a living producing art, there's the commercial aspect, that sometimes prevents from full, or even partial expression.

Oh, well. Just some random for the people who read this (which is between 0-1).

Hopefully I'll be able to produce more. I have a commission. Want to get more, but beggers can't be choosers.

p.s. I need ideas for my summer homework. It's traditional media, but that doesn't really restrict me (except that it cost money). I have a blanck 9x11 canvas that I want to paint on, but I have no idea what to paint on said canvas. Help?

p.s.s.
Phoenix - Lisztomania (Classixx Version) Fun song. :]

Jun 18

No special title today...

So far, I've been having a very uneventful summer. Really dull. technically, I have a lot of homework I should be working on... But I can't focus.
I'm too busy being an angsty, depressed teenager. I wish it would pass. I want happy. And creativity.

This sucks, man. ;]

Still, I have a commission to work on. Just finished one, and I got another one. It's good times. I want to finish quickly. $30.00, man. For a bust commission. I haven't gotten that much on a commission in a while. Last one was a full-blown novel cover for only $25.00. Which is really selling myself short. Considering the work I put into it, it should have been around $40-$50. But, at least it's work. And money. :D

I've been refreshing my Twitter every 5 minutes. Which is funny. Because I only follow 5 people, and only 3 follow me. Don't know why I'm so obsessed... I should be worried about my addiction to the internets, but I'm too busy surfing the aforementioned to care. Ah, apathy. So wonderful. So common for me. Digg.com is another addiction as of late. In case you wanted to know...


That's all I have. I'm off to alternate between drawing, reading, and occasionally doze off... :\

June 17, planet earth

I woke up today with a major headache, bloodshot eyes, and the driest mouth. I wasn't hungover or anything. Apparently, the flu that I thought I was done with came back and kicked my ass. I think I got it back from one of my other family members. I really, really don't like how lethargic and drained I'm feeling. It's a definite damper on an otherwise lovely day.

I managed to get 2 "doodles" done. As well as a commission. Hoping to get a reply on the latter. The sooner I'm done with it, the sooner I can focus on my summer homework. Honestly, I've put so many hours into it, and it still doesn't looks how I would want it. The customer seems pleased, though, so I can't exactly complain, since I will be getting paid. Not much, considering the work, but I've lowered my prices because I find myself working inexplicably slow. It takes a lot of willpower to force myself to work on work and not my own, personal doodles. Willpower that I don't have most of the time. :[



Still, despite being motivation-less and lacking any creativity whatsoever, I managed to pull this out of... somewhere. ;] It involved plenty of references. I'm particularly proud of the perspective on the roller blade. I still don't know what colors to use, but at the moment I'm proud to produce anything. It may be the Groove Salad I was listening to that helped. Honestly, it really helps me focus. I also listen to it while doing homework and whatnot. (iTunes radio -> ambient-> Groove Salad) . It may also be that this is all you hear in the art rooms at school when we're working, so it tells my subconscious I should be drawing. Kind of like a stimulus, perhaps?

Music is such an important aspect of life. You can't really go anywhere without hearing it- Experiencing it. Nowadays, with MP3s, phones, and other gadgets that enable you to take your music wherever you go, it's especially hard to escape music. And... why would you want to? Music is art. Art is expression. Whether you made the music or not, it says something about you. The music you download, buy, listen to can say a lot about a person. I, personally, listen only to music that fits my mood. If I'm happy, it's happy music. If I'm sad, it's classical or slow. If I'm depressed or angry, its rock or something loud, with force. Sometimes it may not seem like a song that fits that mood, whether melodically or lyrically.

My cousin, loveacrosstheocean, mentioned how "we put too much meaning in media (music, movies, shows) when they really don't have anything to do with us." I agree, but not in the sense that they have nothing to do with us. They are made- written, engineered, call it whatever you'd like- to affect us. Why? Because they're are composed and written by humans. Liking music, having it affect us, is the same as sympathizing or empathizing with another person.



That's all I have for today. I'm off to try to figure out a color palette for my sketch.

-Julie

Edit: LOL!

Boredom does funny things...

EDIT: The pitter patter of rain outside my open window accompanied by Groove Salad (iTunes radio, under Ambient) is so relaxing. :]

I was planning on getting a lot done today. But the lethargy from my flu made me succumb to the pull my computer has over me.... Dammit.

Still, I did do some things today.

I suppose it started with me waking up at a relatively normal hour, rather grudgingly of course. Denis popped in around 10:00 and commenced the process of waking me up. I was up by 10:30. Then, after much loitering, she "convinced" me to go on a bike ride with her a Leah. By convinced, I mean she offered money. And me being the cheap 20 dollar whore Scrooge that I am accepted her offer.

Almost 2 hours later, I wheeled my bike into the driveway, took a nice, tepid/lukewarm shower, and collapsed into my computer chair. I wasn't physically fatigued or anything, but I was still tired. It was a really puzzling feeling. I'm pretty sure it has to do with my flu. Apparently my jogging/walking for 10-30 minutes every day (depending on how lazy I am) is paying off. I'm no longer exhausted as easily, and muscles don't ache as much. Plus, the bones in my feet somehow feel stronger. Stretching before bed is nice too, unless you're idiotic like I am and overstretch. I'm still feeling the aches from two days ago.

I'm happy my flu is almost gone. I loaded up on various teas, and I feel so much better. A mixture of Green Tea, Rose Hip, and Elder flower is miraculous. It usually takes me a week or two to get over a cold, and I'm almost through after only 2-3 days. Granted, Nyquil probably helped because I was too antsy to sleep.

So, I made a new layout for the blog. I like the idea of making it look like a traditional journal. I'd have made it more complex, but the simplicity suits my needs. I still have to make a new layout for my site, so I don't want to waste time designing other things. I can't wait to get my site up and running. Still need a good gallery script. I saw a really good one, but I can't remember what it was or what site it was on. I really, really want to learn PHP/MySQL or some other scripting language. Until then, I'm stuck using opensource freeware. Which isn't bad, but I want something to call mine. I'm just greedy like that. I'm really geeky when it comes to HTML/CSS. I can't help but edit and dissect to my hearts content.

Been racking my brains for ideas for my art homework. And webdesign. And personal doodles. I'm so inspirationless. I was really inspired about an hour ago, but one of my computer monitors wouldn't work, and all of my energy, enthusiasm, and temporary creativity was sapped while I was trying to fix it. Probably only a temporary fix, but it'll do.

Any ideas would help, no matter how supposedly cheesy or crappy. Truth is, I've been feeling dejected lately. Let's just say I don't mind criticism, even if it's brutally harsh, as long as it's constructive. Just saying "that sucks, get better" doesn't help me in the least, and makes me less motivated. I really have been considering an art-related career, but when I hit these motivation slumps it makes me doubt if I'm cut out for such a thing. Knowing myself, I'll end up giving up and working in some cubicle or something for the entirety of my life, until I die from a freakish accident involving staplers and a penguin insurrection... and I'll be too dead to laugh/be terrified at the scene.


That's all I have for now...

-Julie

p.s. This is the cutest thing I've ever seen:

Click your mouse to feed him. Click on the center of the wheel to make him run again. Also, if there's not food, he'll follow your cursor.

Chapter One

Title taken from a song by Lifehouse of the same name. Kind of a soothing song, because I'm trying to make myself sleepy. I must say... it's not really working out that well.

First day of summer vacation today. I'm so relieved to be done with exams and AP U.S. History. I celebrated the end of the school year with a long nap. Unfortunately, I woke up from said nap with a headache, sore throat, and runny nose. I effectively napped myself towards a cold. Yay, me! I hate it when my entire body aches. It feels like I was hit by a truck. :[ It probably didn't help that the first thing my mum made me do when I woke up was to start cleaning. Still, today was the first day I got to plop myself down in front of my computer, dig out my graphics tablet, and draw. The result of about an hour of me not knowing what the hell I was doing is to the right. There are about five different versions of the doodle, but I like the simplicity of this one. Inspired by the trailers for My Sister's Keeper. Looks like a good movie, despite the fact that I still haven't read the book.

Soon, I have to start working on summer homework assignments and, hopefully, start job hunting. The job hunting will most likely end in epic failure. Denis (sister) has a second interview tomorrow at a Chiropractor's office. I, myself, couldn't believe it. I was sure she'd come off as an awkward person. Apparently not.

- Julie

p.s. Other versions of the doodle above can be found here, here, here, and here.

This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

-Philip Larkin

Just some fun poetry that is wonderfully true. My personal favorite is the last stanza.

I'm so wonderfully excited to be done with school. Two more half days and it's over. Then I get to get started on summer homework, but I'm probably going to be procrastinating on that for a while. ;] After all, it's summer.

Figured out what to do for my concentration for art. Also decided I'm going to be doing two portfolios... It's a lot but I'm kind of excited. I can't think of anything to write... studying grammar has killed my ability to try to write cohesive, fluent sentences...

Just two more days...

june Oh-Fifth

Blah.
5 more days of school left. I seriously thought I'd have less stress this summer.
Then reality came and slapped me in the face, bit me in the arse, and spit on my twitching soul. :[

Summer Homework

AP Studio Art

• 4-8 pieces of artwork _{that show a variety of mediums and subject matter}.
• Research 5 artists _{at least that really interest you}.
• 2 Museum/gallery/studio visits.
• 25 sketchbook assignments

AP English Composition (or whatever the name of the course is)

• Because of the- errr-dilemma with the summer assignment, we don't get it until Monday. Still, I figure there's still going to be three books to read, reader's notebook for each, and maybe an essay or two.

My really issue is that I got the summer homework assignment for AP World History in the mail today, and I am absolutely positive I never signed up for it. Livingston probably screwed me over and changed it to AP when I asked her to change Web Dev. to Psychology and Studio Art. I'm going to throw a fit in the counseling office come Monday. Should be a blast. There's no way I'm getting more summer homework. No way in hell. I have other things I want to do, and being cooped up in my room, surrounded by paint and fixative fumes, and pastel/charcoal dust is not the way I want to spend my summer. At least with english I can take the books around and write outside and whatnot.

That's enough ranting for now.

Pandora.com is love. I'm listening to it right now, and have discovered a plethora of new songs I like. Among them, This is the World That We Live In by The Killers. Did You Get My Message by Jason Mraz is pretty addictive as well. I have a lot more but I think it'd be a waste of time to list ALL of them. One more, though, for the road: Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes.

That's all I've got for now.

Can't wait for it to be Friday (next week).

Better, yet, can't wait till I get to hang with my supercalafragelistic cousins. Lol. If I omitted the "with" I'd be a murderer. ;]

That was a bit morbid.


Sorry.



I'll stop.

Bye, lovely/ies.

-JujuBean