_“I'd miss you even if I never met you._”

Candid- Short and Sweet

Class color day today. Two more days until the hell that is the pep rally, but I digress. I decked myself out in blue, and temp. dyed my hair. I don't want to part with the color. I've talked to my mom, and we've agreed to undertake a ridiculous adventure in dying my hair.
Why is it ridiculous? Every single time I have tried to highlight my hair, it was disastrous. I either get leopard spots instead of normal stripe-y highlights or the color doesn't appear uniform all over.

But I've planned it out this time. My bangs are going to be a solid color, and that color is then going to be highlights throughout the rest of my hair. Chunky highlights. I just have to decide what color I want. I'm going to dye it blonde first, then layer the color over since my hair, if bleached, becomes orange. I was thinking of painting it a purple color, since brown is a complement of brown, which is the color of both my hair and eyes. I'll see. I don't want pink, or anything too vibrant. Might leave it blonde if I can't decide.

I'm just so excited for this. Getting my hair cut sometime this weekend. It really needs a trim. The layers have grown quite long, and my hair no longer has volume. I have limp, pathetic hair. It makes me miserable half of the time.

In other news...

Today's dinner is french fries and eggs. The only healthy part is the tomato salad, which still has olive oil. I need to diet. Jogging everyday starting tomorrow. Hopefully it'll clear up my complexion, too.

I feel this is going to be my last week of relaxation. After this, I'm going to be working nonstop for all of my classes (except World History, which is a freshman class and at a very nice, slow rate). It's like the calm before the storm, and this particular storm is creating a tidal wave just beyond the horizon that is ready to come into view and leave me petrified and very, very doomed.

I have an idea I'm really excited to start working on for art. I just need a reference picture. I need a girl with fairly long hair, hanging upside down. I'm thinking of finding a way to coax my cousins to the movies/playground this weekend. Unfortunately, knowing my sister, she won't want to drive anywhere. She'll insist we can, and should, walk to the movie theater/park. I don't get her fixation with only going to places within walking distance. I usually want to get away and take a break.

Last thing; reading Brave New World. Haven't finished chapter one and I'm loving it. It's complex/challenging enough that I'm not bored while reading it, but not so much so that I never want to crack it open.

first

First: I'll miss you. Twitter, blogger, facebook, and whatnot only create a vague illusion that we aren't going to be seperated by a freaking ocean. My eyes are burning and my throat is closing up just thinking about it. :'(


Lalalaaa. Back at school.

Started the day in an irritable/cranky mood. It didn't help that my first hour is a freshman class filled with- you guessed it- freshman. I'm a Junior. Contrary to what some may be quick to conclude, I'm not in that class because I failed it in the past. I'm in that class because I decided to take an Advanced Placement U.S. History class, which apparently didn't cover this one class. Even though I got a 4 out of 5 on the AP test, and ended both semesters with an A.

I feel like I'm being punished, and it doesn't help that my teacher probably thinks I'm one of THOSE. Y'know- a motivationless, hopeless teenager who contributes to poverty statistics in the future.

In better news, I love my art class. AP 2/D. We got a bunch of new stuff that we can use for observational drawings. Including a remarkable lifelike hand. So excited. It's going to drain me quickly, considering I have to do twice as much in the same amount of time as before. But hopefully I'll be able to build two awesome portfolios that will get me college credit. I'll even settle for an OKAY portfolio. :]

Butyeah. Lot of homework for a first day. I'm so tired, and my mind is in this terrible state in which I can barely access it's contents, like some sealed-off vault I've forgotten the combination to. I'm trying to finish so many things, and get organized for tomorrow. So many syllabi and class rules and other miscellaneous paper to keep track of and make sure I sign.
But, I get to carry them in my happy checkered backpack.

My insomnia is still happenin' and still hating me. Waking up at six a.m. is damn near impossible for me when I have less than six hours of sleep. What can I say, I neeeed my sleep. Or I turn into a mean little bitchy owl. ;)

and so... f.m.l.

I hate not having control over my own body. Why the hell won't these tears stop? Why does my mom insist on pitying me/talking about it?

Why the fuck are we programed to be ashamed of crying? And, yes, programmed. Because what else to you call it when it seems so... intentional and computer-like. And screw stereotypes, because I'm a girl and afraid to be seen crying.

I just wish I could bawl out loud right now. My exhaustion and headache are just fueling me. I just want to... collapse and sleep.

FML. Why can't people just be fucking patient?

p.s. writing a blog entry when pissed/exhausted/sobbing is full of fail. Sorry about my pissiness and bitchyness. Just needed to rant a bit. :(

i'd like to say beautiful things but i don't know how

It's been a while since I've written anything decent. I've opened up this "New Post" page so many times with the intent to write something, yet nothing coherent comes out. It's a jumble of the thoughts that have been dancing their intricate steps in my head for months. And to be honest, it's infuriating to watch them dance and not be able to cut in and stop their ridiculous twirling.

This journal entry may make no sense. But, the truth is, I think this entry is more for me than anyone else. Whenever I write something on this "blog" of mine, I always have the same thought, "What's the point? No one will read this." But I don't think the point of personal blogs is to have them read. I think the point is to try to reflect. To take all of those confusing thought and organize them- show them more graceful dance steps so they stop bumping into one another, or into you. It's... closure for the day. Perhaps it keeps us sane. Perhaps it drives us closer to insanity.

Oh, well. Moving on... There are several things that have been on my mind lately. I'll start with the positive, so I don't rant quite as much about the negative.

First, my wonderifical cousin. Who is so wonderifical and amazing and full of wisdomosity. And supporting-slash-feeding my owl obsession. I have so many owl perched around my desk, staring at me. c: The thing that irks me is that she's leaving, and I want to get her something but I'm at a complete and total loss as to what. Plus, I'm terrible at gift-shopping. Mainly because I've only done it once, and I have yet to see the person's reaction (since I bought the stuff last week for a party that's in another week). SO much failure, here. I'd offer one of my nerdy presents. Like, making a layout/design/theme, drawing a picture, or... I don't know. Giving her games for her phone or something. See? I'm lame. Sososososolaaaame.

I'm fairly certain that's the only "positive."

Ready for the negative? It's all stress/anxiety.

It's me- Okay. Interruption. I was going to write "freaking out" but I didn't like the cliche-ness. SO I took "freaking out" to a thesaurus. One of the results? Schizz out. Holy, frick that's the coolest saying eh-VAR.- So, it's me schizzing out.

First, about the rest of my life. I wish I was good at one thing. Phenomenally good, I mean. I have a feeling it would make my decision-making a bit easier. Because as it stands now, I'm doomed to not knowing what I should choose as a career. I've had people tell me that it's fine. I could even go to college without really knowing what I'm going to do. But, the thing is, I can't. I literally won't be able to afford switching my career path once I enter college. And I've been giving this serious thought. I could be a psychiatrist, freelance artist, graphic designer, web designer, or a web developer. There's probably other stuff, too. I can eliminate teacher off my potential list, since I'm terrible at explaining things if I understand them. But, there's still so much. Graphic/web design could take me far, if I'm any good. But my inferiority complex when it comes to my art keeps telling me I won't be good. I... don't know. I feel so powerless. Like there's this blanket that's supposed to be comforting and providing security, but is instead smothering me.

Second, homework. Not a big deal. I've freaked out about it before. I'll continue to do it. I've pulled off some ridiculously good homework assignments in short periods of time due to procrastination. I'll keep doing it.

But it's my art homework that's constantly nagging. I've been wracking my brain, trying to create concepts or ideas that would be good for my portfolio. But everything that comes out is a mere doodle, something I can't refine to make better, something that certainly is not cut out for a college-level portfolio. I'm wondering if nothing is coming to me because I'm thinking too hard. But that's the thing with me. Few things come easily to me. Some people can see something in their mind in vivid and crisp detail. Some get blurry images. I get nothing. When I close my eyes I see nothing, except the reddish glow when I face a light source. When I put my pencil to the paper, I have no idea what will come out. Perhaps that's why everything I produce is mediocre and looks the same. But I can't rewire my mind to do that. It's a bit too late for such conditioning. It's seriously making me depressed. What if I'm not cut out for an AP art class? What will I do once the actual class actually starts? It's all "what ifs" but they slam against the inside of my cranium, causing terrifying echoes.

And, of course, my insomnia. For example, I'm utterly exhausted right now. But there's no way I'll be sleeping for the next 2 to 3 hours. My mind will keep running, my heart will keep racing, and my eyes will refuse to shut. They'll continue to spring open, only to stare into the inky darkness of my room.

I have a busy day tomorrow. Driving errands then the rest of the day will be dull, frustrating homework. Hopefully a distraction will pop up so I don't spend too much time on homework.

I'm getting a terrible headache. Hopefully the dull thud of my blood in my ears will ease me to sleepysleep.

p.s. I'm addicted to ArchitectureBlog.

p.p.s. I think my next art project will be an awesome owl on canvas with acrylic. Just have to find reference photos. :DDD