i'd like to say beautiful things but i don't know how

It's been a while since I've written anything decent. I've opened up this "New Post" page so many times with the intent to write something, yet nothing coherent comes out. It's a jumble of the thoughts that have been dancing their intricate steps in my head for months. And to be honest, it's infuriating to watch them dance and not be able to cut in and stop their ridiculous twirling.

This journal entry may make no sense. But, the truth is, I think this entry is more for me than anyone else. Whenever I write something on this "blog" of mine, I always have the same thought, "What's the point? No one will read this." But I don't think the point of personal blogs is to have them read. I think the point is to try to reflect. To take all of those confusing thought and organize them- show them more graceful dance steps so they stop bumping into one another, or into you. It's... closure for the day. Perhaps it keeps us sane. Perhaps it drives us closer to insanity.

Oh, well. Moving on... There are several things that have been on my mind lately. I'll start with the positive, so I don't rant quite as much about the negative.

First, my wonderifical cousin. Who is so wonderifical and amazing and full of wisdomosity. And supporting-slash-feeding my owl obsession. I have so many owl perched around my desk, staring at me. c: The thing that irks me is that she's leaving, and I want to get her something but I'm at a complete and total loss as to what. Plus, I'm terrible at gift-shopping. Mainly because I've only done it once, and I have yet to see the person's reaction (since I bought the stuff last week for a party that's in another week). SO much failure, here. I'd offer one of my nerdy presents. Like, making a layout/design/theme, drawing a picture, or... I don't know. Giving her games for her phone or something. See? I'm lame. Sososososolaaaame.

I'm fairly certain that's the only "positive."

Ready for the negative? It's all stress/anxiety.

It's me- Okay. Interruption. I was going to write "freaking out" but I didn't like the cliche-ness. SO I took "freaking out" to a thesaurus. One of the results? Schizz out. Holy, frick that's the coolest saying eh-VAR.- So, it's me schizzing out.

First, about the rest of my life. I wish I was good at one thing. Phenomenally good, I mean. I have a feeling it would make my decision-making a bit easier. Because as it stands now, I'm doomed to not knowing what I should choose as a career. I've had people tell me that it's fine. I could even go to college without really knowing what I'm going to do. But, the thing is, I can't. I literally won't be able to afford switching my career path once I enter college. And I've been giving this serious thought. I could be a psychiatrist, freelance artist, graphic designer, web designer, or a web developer. There's probably other stuff, too. I can eliminate teacher off my potential list, since I'm terrible at explaining things if I understand them. But, there's still so much. Graphic/web design could take me far, if I'm any good. But my inferiority complex when it comes to my art keeps telling me I won't be good. I... don't know. I feel so powerless. Like there's this blanket that's supposed to be comforting and providing security, but is instead smothering me.

Second, homework. Not a big deal. I've freaked out about it before. I'll continue to do it. I've pulled off some ridiculously good homework assignments in short periods of time due to procrastination. I'll keep doing it.

But it's my art homework that's constantly nagging. I've been wracking my brain, trying to create concepts or ideas that would be good for my portfolio. But everything that comes out is a mere doodle, something I can't refine to make better, something that certainly is not cut out for a college-level portfolio. I'm wondering if nothing is coming to me because I'm thinking too hard. But that's the thing with me. Few things come easily to me. Some people can see something in their mind in vivid and crisp detail. Some get blurry images. I get nothing. When I close my eyes I see nothing, except the reddish glow when I face a light source. When I put my pencil to the paper, I have no idea what will come out. Perhaps that's why everything I produce is mediocre and looks the same. But I can't rewire my mind to do that. It's a bit too late for such conditioning. It's seriously making me depressed. What if I'm not cut out for an AP art class? What will I do once the actual class actually starts? It's all "what ifs" but they slam against the inside of my cranium, causing terrifying echoes.

And, of course, my insomnia. For example, I'm utterly exhausted right now. But there's no way I'll be sleeping for the next 2 to 3 hours. My mind will keep running, my heart will keep racing, and my eyes will refuse to shut. They'll continue to spring open, only to stare into the inky darkness of my room.

I have a busy day tomorrow. Driving errands then the rest of the day will be dull, frustrating homework. Hopefully a distraction will pop up so I don't spend too much time on homework.

I'm getting a terrible headache. Hopefully the dull thud of my blood in my ears will ease me to sleepysleep.

p.s. I'm addicted to ArchitectureBlog.

p.p.s. I think my next art project will be an awesome owl on canvas with acrylic. Just have to find reference photos. :DDD